The Houston Sports Counterplot

Black Eyes and Baseball Mishaps?

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:58:00 -0400

I really don’t put out enough content to make a statement by “going dark.” I write about twice a month on average – sometimes more, sometimes less.

“Going dark” is what a few other Astros bloggers are doing to protest Jim Crane’s latest public relations gaffe. So, instead of sitting idly by while others make statements by “going dark” – I’ve decided to write.

Last night, around 7:00pm, KHOU trotted out the following headline: Astros Cancel Annual Fundraiser for Houston Area Women’s Center. Wow! That’s a lot of information in a single headline. …And it’s pretty damning to boot. I wonder what went through the minds of the Astros public relations department.

With respect to Sean Pendergast, let’s do an abbreviated Zapruder analysis and break down each and every word of KHOU’s headline.

“Astros” – The Astros are Houston’s Major League Baseball team. Currently, the team is 10-29 and the worst in baseball. Over the last two years, the Astros have been completely saturated with bad press. A steady stream of operational blunders and general mismanagement has played a significant role in overshadowing their poor play.

“Cancel” – Cancel is a verb. According to Merriam-Webster, it means “to call off usually without expectation of conducting or performing at a later time.” It also means, “to destroy the force, effectiveness, or validity.”

“Annual” – Annual is something that occurs every year and once a year.

“Fundraiser” – Exactly how it f*ckin’ sounds.

“For Houston Area Women’s Center.” – HAWC is a volunteer, non-profit organization that relies on the goodwill of the community to provide services for people who really need the community’s help. According to their website, HAWC “offers services free of charge to survivors of domestic and sexual violence and their families.” HAWC goes on to say, “We provide shelter, counseling and advocacy to support them in building lives free from the effects of violence. We seek social change to end domestic and sexual violence through community awareness and education. Our services are confidential and available to everyone.”

Let’s go back to “fundraiser.” Let me explain what a fundraiser is: a fundraiser is when an individual or group puts on a social activity or sells goods for the purpose of raising funds – generally for a particular purpose. Every year Girl Scouts knock on my door and, much to the chagrin of those who care about my health, I buy an irresponsible amount of Girl Scout cookies. I cut a substantial check and the Girl Scouts, using a forklift, load Samoas and Thin Mints onto my porch. The money the Girl Scouts collect goes towards providing the Girl Scouts with the necessary resources to support their organization. Girl Scouts are not rich, and they cannot afford to cut checks whenever they want to do fun activities – they rely on me. This is why they sell cookies – this is a fundraiser.

This is why the Astros Wives Organization hosted the Black Ties and Baseball Caps Gala – to raise money for the Houston Area Women’s Center. The Astros Wives Organization didn’t have the money to donate, so they organized an activity to RAISE FUNDS for a good cause.

However, as Jose de Jesus Ortiz tweeted, “Astros owner Jim Crane told Women’s Center Wives Gala would be canceled in January.” The HAWC said they are looking for other donors to make up for the “lost money.” Obviously, this was money the HAWC needed.

No one is asking Jim Crane to cut a check. In the KHOU article, it says, “the popular gala raised $250,000 for the women’s center in 2012.” It doesn’t say, the Astros dug into their own pockets and dropped a quarter of a million on the HAWC, the article says the money was raised. Raised.

The fact that they use this specific verbiage implies that the Astros only needed to donate their time and energy to this cause – and, when given that option, they chose not to do it. Whether this was an initiative set forth by Major League Baseball, George Postolos or Jim Crane… it was a choice. The Astros had the opportunity to use their clout, time and energy to help people who relied on them, people who needed them – but they chose not to help.

They chose to help someone else, and that’s fine.

So, almost twenty-four hours after the news broke and after consulting with a lawyer, the Astros released a statement they should have released months ago or at the very least should have had queued up and ready to go.

Basically, they chose to “go in a different direction.”

Meg Vallaincourt, Astros Senior Vice President of Community Relations, explained that the Astros Wives Organization was a poorly run charity. She stated that the AWO does not donate the standard 70% of proceeds to the Houston Area Women’s Center. Although, as Reid Laymance points out, the Astros Wives Organization was “billed for the use of Minute Maid Park.” So there’s that.

So, instead of 69% or 50% or 25% of the proceeds going to the Houston Area Women’s Center – they’ll get nothing because the Astros Wives Organization is, in essence, ineffective. Although I wouldn’t tell that to the families who rely on the center! Instead, Jim Crane and the Astros are pledging $18M to at-risk youth initiatives. …I suppose this is where the Community Partners’ billboards come into play.

And money going towards Houston’s disadvantaged youths is a good thing - a great thing!

Obviously, Jim Crane can donate money to whichever cause he’d like. He can give his blessing or shoot down any events that carry his team’s name – but, all things considered, this was just another bad move, another bad choice. It was an even worse choice not to be proactive before this story became a PR nightmare. Shouldn’t Vallaincort have had a plan to continue the relationship with HAWC or at least been able to allocate less than 1.5% of Jim Crane’s $18M pledge as a way to ice over this disastrous situation? Did this story absolutely have to become such a mammoth clusterpoo?

No one is begging Crane to pay $250,000 – people are begging Crane to let them raise $250,000 for the Houston Area Women’s Center. Why is this unacceptable? If the Astros Wives Organization is run so poorly and the Women’s Center isn’t getting the maximum proceeds, why can’t Vallaincourt develop a plan to cut the fat from the event and make it more lucrative for the Women’s Center?

This is just one more wave rolling and barreling into the Astros sandcastle of credibility.

If Jim Crane made this decision in January, why is it that this story is just getting steam right now? Is there not a single person associated with the Astros that thought the team should be ahead of this story? The club could have controlled the narrative, they could have beat KHOU to the punch and put themselves in a better situation… but, oddly, they didn’t. The Astros could have made this into a feel good story – but, again, they chose not to.

Of course I think Crane should have made efforts to continue the team’s association with the Women’s Center. But, again, it isn’t my money, and I don’t have $10M to talk about it with him over lunch. However, his beyond putrid PR team is currently scrambling trying to control the damage, having lawyers analyze press releases and trying to deflect the story while they’ve had months to prepare for this. Months!

Did they not think this would make the evening news?

Are the Astros so tone deaf that they believed this wasn’t a story? Even after all the bad press they’ve accumulated in the last two years?

Are we in the Twilight Zone?

What the hell is going on with the Astros?

What should be concerning to the Astros is the fact that many people are not shocked by these events. The Astros are earning a reputation for bad publicity, and they keep fumbling away their goodwill. They’re a public relation’s dumpster fire. They keep unnecessarily shooting themselves in the foot. They’re unpredictable. They’re dysfunctional. They’re the Randy Travis of Major League Baseball.

No one is shocked that the Astros are choosing to back out of supporting a women’s center… shouldn’t that bother the Astros? No one is giving the Astros the benefit of the doubt… shouldn’t that bother the Astros, too? Everyone was expecting the Astros to fudge this situation… shouldn’t that bother the Astros, too?

I’ve gotten emails and direct messages via Twitter – people are outraged, disgusted but not the least bit surprised. The environment that Crane has created for himself cultivates these sorts of reactions. When Crane bought the club, fans were actively rooting for him; they were hopeful, and they were ready for meaningful improvement. They were tired of Drayton McLane’s song and dance and wanted Crane to come in and save the day.

Crane had the opportunity to be a hero. But, instead, Crane has built an organization that his fans completely distrust. …and that sucks!

No one can watch the games, there’s dumb signage blocking the view of downtown, there’s no Deshaies and no Dierker and the Astros are twiddling their thumbs.

Astros fans are not overreacting – the Astros have conditioned us to expect the worst.

Jim Crane has dug himself a hole that he cannot get out of – he’s the villain.

Loyal Astros fans distrust the organization, Jim Crane can’t catch a break and all the while the oblivious public relations staff plays Candy Crush.

That is a very alarming indictment for the Houston Astros. The Astros organization is in an ass-over-teakettle public relations freefall, and no one in the organization seems to really give a shit.

Ironically, the Astros’ inability to get ahead and be proactive in the face of bad press is only matched by their self-destructive ability to create bad press.

Maybe that’s an integrity issue?

————

further reading on this subject? Check out Astros County.

The Not-so Long and Short of Parting with Pocket Jesus (and Other Pseudo-religious Baseball Ramblings)

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:00:47 -0400

I haven’t blogged in over a month, and I bet you’re all wondering why, right? …right? Upon my last post, the one I wrote before the beginning of the season, I promised myself that I would sit back and observe the organization without my blogger-born eye for scrutiny. I promised myself that I would remove myself from my made-up responsibilities and take the time to enjoy watching baseball again. It was important to me not to be as so damn negative and ultra-critical about everything.

I wanted to be more of a fan and less of a blogger.

I wanted to get back to the basics. I wanted to quit worrying about the stupid community partner billboards or league realignment and whether Jim Crane was honest with us. I wanted to quit thinking about the 2014 draft and whether or not the Astros have the integrity to stay out of the basement. I wanted to quit mutilating my Bud Selig and Drayton McLane voodoo dolls. I wanted to suppress my fear that Moses Ryan is now thirty-nine years into leading the Astraelites out of Houston and into “The Promised Metroplex.”

I wanted to see the Astros as what they really and truly are – a young exciting team plowing their way through uncharted American League territories. I wanted to bear witness to the duality of a baseball career cast deliberately and almost experimentally among a single solitary nine – an unlikely assemblage of young guys getting their first chance coupled with older guys getting their final chance. I wanted to witness the births, the resurrections and the painful deaths. This is baseball reduced down to its lowest common denominator. And there is a great deal of passion somewhere in between, and I wanted to be a part of it, to experience it, to soak it in. I wanted to root for each and every one of them, each hanging on by a mere thread, each with a future uncertain.

Rick Ankiel was hanging on by a mere thread.

Ankiel had a rather superb spring, and his unique experiences likely played a significant role in him earning a spot with the team. The Astros hoped Ankiel could serve as a stopgap until one of their greenhorns could step in and take over right field. Unfortunately, Ankiel struggled tremendously at avoiding strikeouts. On Monday, he was mercifully delivered his coup de grâce – he was designated for assignment and is likely finished playing major league baseball.

His is a fascinating story. He started off as a pitcher in the Cardinals organization. In 1999, Ankiel was the number one prospect in baseball. He was a phenom in every sense of the word. He made his major league debut at nineteen and struck out 194 hitters in 175 innings as a twenty year old in 2000. He had incredible stuff and had a long dazzling career ahead of him that would feature All Star appearances and Cy Young Awards.

I feared he would torment the Astros for the next decade or two.

But, at the end of 2000, the wheels fell off and Ankiel couldn’t throw strikes. He became Steve Blass. What ailed Ankiel transcended mechanics and form – it was psychological; he wasn’t even close to throwing strikes. I have an unnatural hatred for the St. Louis Cardinals and even I thought it was sickening to watch. There was absolutely no satisfaction from the Cardinals’ rivals regarding Ankiel’s misfortune. He was damaged, broken beyond repair. It was very uncomfortable. I felt terrible for him.

He dangled around for a few years and found himself hanging on by a mere thread. He missed a year due to an injury and then pitched sparingly in 2004. But he was done. He would never pitch again.

At twenty-four, his career was over.

But Ankiel decided to reinvent himself.

Already a good hitter, Ankiel decided that he’d focus on that aspect of his game. And, in a short amount of time, he evolved from a good hitter to an outstanding hitter. He rose through the ranks of the Cardinals minor league system and found himself back in a major league uniform in 2007.

He hit .285 in 2007 and hit 25 bombs in 2008. He played flawless defense and his million dollar left arm, completely useless on a pitcher’s mound, was one of the most feared outfield weapons in major league baseball.

Ankiel showed perseverance and an unmatched hunger to succeed. He battled through the adversity and fought tooth and nail to get back to the show – and he did! In the matter of a few years, a career was born, died and was reincarnated.

I hope he writes a book one day.

Rick Ankiel turned a tragic event into one of the better stories over the last twenty years.

To me, this is baseball and this is why I love it. In the scheme of things, records and statistics are irrelevant. Baseball is slice of life theatre set before an agonized and elated audience, a microcosm of our very being. Baseball isn’t about 27 outs or 162 games – it’s about savoring the brief morsels of success, it’s about coping with failure and it’s about being part of a family. It isn’t as much about making history as it is about having a history, being a part of a history. History is made whether you’re a part of it or not. In life as it is with baseball, we are all hanging on by a mere thread – each of us with a future uncertain.

…and like Rick Ankiel, we reinvent ourselves, we adapt to changing environments and we do whatever we can to just hang on.

So, I’ve kept my mouth shut, and I’ve watched baseball. I’ve eradicated the numbness and negativity from my body and in the process I’ve sated my thirst and found what I was looking for.

Astros baseball is fun again.

…a lot of fun.

Jim Crane has done his part by remaining on the sidelines and away from microphones, reporters and all other potentially disastrous objects. Perhaps, like me, he is in the midst of a self-imposed exile to cure his spinning head. In all honesty, I hope he’s finding happiness too. I hope the losing isn’t bearing down on him.

In a way, our unacknowledged détente is mutually beneficially – my blood pressure remains at a manageable level, and the Astros upper-level management personae can graciously afford fans an opportunity to recoup after the series of violent gut-punches delivered during the offseason.

In retrospect, I understand that the offseason was hard on Crane too. Although he has no one to blame but himself, it probably isn’t easy consistently alienating the people who root for you the most. Maybe a part of me, a little part, even sympathizes with him.

Alas, the month long hiatus is over, and I plan on writing again. I have returned. I feel renewed. I feel refreshed. I’m having a lot of fun being an Astros fan again.

And, a month into the season, isn’t there a lot to be excited about?

Although their record doesn’t necessarily reflect it, the Astros aren’t all that bad, either.

…well, except for the 17-2 and 9-0 loss to the Tigers. They were bad then.

Marwin Gonzalez is playing well, and Jason Castro is beginning to look like the player we thought he’d be. In a surprise to no one, Brandon Barnes continues to force himself into the everyday line-up. Lucas Harrell and Bud Norris are pitching well. Bo Porter hasn’t gotten so outraged that his head has come uncorked erupting bubbly hatred like an angry champagne bottle. And, didn’t Carlos Corporan go 4-4 last week?

Then there’s Jose Altuve – the Pocket Jesus. He is the Houston Astros’ best player and franchise savior.

In certain cities and at certain points in a player’s career, a player may find himself entrenched in a situation similar to Altuve’s – the undisputed best player on a rebuilding team. With this designation, the player finds himself with an automatic, default bid to the All Star Game but also finds himself slathered with layers of outlandish trade speculation.

…and, thus, nestled in on the two way street of obsequious fan adulation and irresponsible trade recommendations, lives Jose Altuve’s name.

As we march into May, Altuve trade speculation has wiped the sleep from its eyes, rolled out of bed and has started a pot of coffee. In a matter of moments, as Will Moriarty would say, Astros fans will go through Altuve trade scenarios “faster than a burrito being chased by Metamucil.

But, talk is cheap, and a blogger has gotta blog. So, hunker down and prepare to hear a slew of trade rumors in the next several weeks.

Jim Bowden suggests the Dodgers should make a run for Altuve.

The whole idea of dealing Altuve is preposterous. I can’t believe I’m even entertaining the notion that it is a possibility.

On its face, trading one player for multiple players seems like a reasonably good idea. If you could turn one Jose Altuve into two Jose Altuves or three Jose Altuves, there is absolutely no question that the Astros should make that particular move. But what is the likelihood that Jose Altuve could yield a player equal to or more than his current value? How many Altuves equal one Altuve?

Ideally, in a transaction of assets, both teams want to feel like they’ve gotten the better end of a deal or at least equal to what they gave up – “I gave up something good, but I got something back equal to or better than what I gave up. Cool!”

The principal issue I have with trading Jose Altuve is that I am not convinced that the Astros could possibly receive fair or equal value. At this point, how can anyone accurately determine Altuve’s value?

Jose Altuve has just turned twenty-three years old. He has accrued over a year a thousand plate appearances and is closing in on two full years of major league service time. Again, he is twenty-three years old – are you listening? As of now, he’s the fifth youngest player in major league baseball. In his second full season of major league ball, Altuve has already shown progress over last season – as a matter of fact, considering all levels, he gets better every single year he plays.

He’s a reasonably intelligent hitter, an obvious student of the game, and he’s becoming more and more acclimated to major league pitching. He’s barely into his comfort zone as a major league hitter. He hasn’t even hit his prime yet – he’ll likely get a lot better!

But he’s still severely undervalued – even by the people who watch him play.

Altuve’s primary issue is that his size will always devalue his contributions on the field. At every level, he’s been discounted and overlooked because of his small stature. Despite displaying a genuine talent for hitting a baseball, Altuve’s doubters contended that his numbers wouldn’t translate into major league success. And, now that they’re proven wrong, there is a growing concern that Altuve will not be able to sustain this level of success.

Let me know how that works out for you.

In 2010, Altuve spent the season in between Lexington and Lancaster, he managed to hit .301, hit 15 homeruns, steal 42 bases and collect 20 doubles… and going into 2011, he was still under the radar. So, in 2011, after 238 at-bats in Lancaster, he packed up his .408 batting average and then went on a .361 clip in Corpus Christi before being called up to the Astros.

For his career, Jose Altuve is a .292 hitter.

He’s really something to witness. He’s the shortest guy in baseball, and he’s peppering the outfield with line drives. When Altuve does something well, it is always prefaced by mentioning his height. It is a part of who he is, but it doesn’t define him. He’s so much more than the smallest player in baseball.

Altuve isn’t good for someone who is 5’5”; he’s good for someone at any size.

…he just happens to be 5’5”.

Perhaps there will be a point where Jose Altuve is regarded as one of the best in the game. That is something not entirely out of the realm of possibility. I firmly believe Jose Altuve can win a batting title – it’s possible! I believe Jose Altuve can lead the league in doubles. I believe Altuve can earn his spot on an All Star team without wearing the “every team has to have at least one” collar. This can happen; this isn’t breaking news.

The Astros don’t have much to hang their hats on these days. When reading about the Astros, you’d be hard-pressed to find the word “best” littered in any of the newspapers. But if the Astros hold onto Jose Altuve, that could change.

And when considering an Altuve trade, it always seems like the guys mentioned as possible returns are around the same age that Altuve is now – except without a major league track record of success or an All Star appearance. I cannot understand why someone would want to trade a twenty-three year old All Star for a twenty-three year old prospect.

Who replaces him? Jimmy Paredes? Nolan Fontana? DeLino DeShields Jr? In my opinion, Jose Altuve is a better player and has a higher ceiling than all three. Plus, he’s a year younger than Paredes, only a year older than Fontana and two years older than DeShields. And, if the Astros are really high on DeShields and they have to find a spot for him (which I think they will), they can put him in the outfield or have him DH. I think DeShields could be a very good left fielder.

Also, in relation to some of the Astros top prospects, Altuve is younger than George Springer and only nineteen days older than Jarred Cosart.

And even if the Astros were able to pry away a team’s top three prospects, there is absolutely no guarantee that these prospects would outplay Altuve. Here’s a link to Baseball America’s Top 100 Prospects in 2003 via a Tigers’ message board. How many of those guys had (or are having) successful major league careers? Half? How many would you take over Altuve straight up? A quarter? Compound that with the fact that the Astros would trade with a particular team and not a list of the best prospects in the game and the likelihood that we’re kicking ourselves for trading Altuve becomes exponentially realistic.

…and do the Astros really want to be the club that traded away Jose Altuve?

A twenty-three year old All Star with the capabilities of winning a batting title under club control for the next five years for prospects?

I’ll pass.

The Astros need to acquire players like Jose Altuve but not at the expense of trading Jose Altuve. They are actively scouting other teams’ minor league systems and organizing their draft board in hopes of discovering the next Jose Altuve. The Astros are looking overseas at international free agents and searching near and far in hopes of discovering the next Jose Altuve. The Astros are not interested in trading Altuve – they’re interested in building around him.

And they will. They’ll find another diamond in the rough.

The Astros are smart enough not to outsmart themselves.

He brings fans to the ballpark. He helps make the team fun and watchable. He helps make the losses tolerable. He’s an inspirational figure for those who feel discouraged or challenged. At 5’5”, he’s a mountain of a man. He represents the faith fans have in the organization’s direction; the promise that life will get easier for Astros fans. He’s a heavy dose of raging badass concentrate in bite-sized packaging. He’s hope, courage and “kiss my ass, I’m going to prove you wrong” personified.

Like Rick Ankiel, Jose Altuve’s story is fascinating and inspirational. Pocket Jesus is another great story that is unique to the sport of baseball. Altuve overcame an onslaught of unwarranted criticisms and seemingly impossible obstacles to get where he is. He found himself in the minor league struggling, hanging on by a mere thread – but he rose to the occasion and made the Astros give him a chance. And after performing at every stop – here he is, hitting .331 at the major league level.

We’re witnessing something special – something borderline magical. The Astros should hang on and enjoy the ride.

The Prospect Post

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 12:05:25 -0400

In July of 2011, as the Astros found themselves in mid-descent towards the cold bedrock of the NL Central seafloor, the scuttlebutt surrounding Houston was that Hunter Pence, Michael Bourn, Brett Myers and Wandy Rodriguez would all be divvied up and sold to the highest bidder. Interest in Myers and Wandy and their multimillion-dollar deals subsequently waned, withered and died (although Wandy, as we found out, was almost traded to Colorado). The crème rose to the top, and Astros trade talk focused in on fan favorites Hunter Pence and Michael Bourn. And Ed Wade, likely hating his job, had his finger reluctantly on the trigger.

Hunter Pence, right or wrong, was regarded as the Astros’ best player by the baseball-illiterate media, and they zeroed in on the very real possibility of him being traded.

We’ll examine Jon Heyman’s brilliant and fair handling of this situation.

On the 26^th of July, Jon Heyman wrote “Hunter Hunted, But Won’t Be Caught.” Heyman postulated that the Astros’ asking price would be too high for Hunter Pence considering that he’s the face of the franchise. Heyman said that the Astros would have “a hard time selling their best and most marketable player.

But, Heyman be damned, Hunter Pence trade talk inched on and intensified. On the 27^th, Heyman, not fully convinced that Hunter would be dealt, defiantly tweeted, “Rival GM on Houston’s lofty Pence requests: they need to get real.”

On the 28^th, it became apparent that Hunter Pence would be dealt… maybe even that day. Heyman begrudgingly conceded that Pence would be traded but continued his embarrassing assault on Ed Wade, “The Astros should have taken offer of Singleton, Cosart and 3rd prospect from the Phillies for Pence.”

Ed Wade could have taken Heyman’s advice, but, fortunately for him, he didn’t – and on the 29^th, the Astros traded Hunter Pence to the Phillies for Jon Singleton, Jarred Cosart, Josh Zeid and a player to be named later. Heyman, unimpressed and foolish, took to Twitter to air his criticisms – “the Astros sold high, still didn’t get much” and “SAT answer: Astros are to Phillies what Kansas City A’s used to be to Yankees.”

On August 15^th, the Astros announced that Domingo Santana would be the “player to be named later” and completed the trade with the Phillies.

History may never accurately reflect Ed Wade’s contributions to the Astros – the good and bad. Drayton McLane refused to give Ed Wade the tools to compete, but we’re not quite sure as to the grip of McLane’s iron fist. But, history, whether or not it will, should show that Wade laid a solid foundation in Houston and acquired multiple players who’ll be franchise cornerstones for the next decade.

But Jon Heyman understands that his readers are just as baseball-illiterate as he is – and that’s why he gets away with it.

There is a market for this kind of crap.

There is absolutely no accountability.

2013 Draft Speculation
At this time last year, Carlos Correa wasn’t really on anyone’s radar. Before I get smarmy emails correcting me, let me rephrase this – Carlos Correa wasn’t on most people’s radar. The general consensus was that the Astros would draft Mark Appel. Appel was born in Houston, was the most polished college pitcher in the draft and was mowing down college hitters faster than Mexican Valium – so it seemed logical that the Astros would draft him.

But then there was Byron Buxton – propped up next to a jukebox with a come hither look on his face. Buxton was a 5-tool beast-machine from Georgia who was getting comparisons to Matt Kemp, Mickey Mantle, George Strait and Pope Francis. He could hit, he could run and he could do a damn good rendition of Amarillo By Morning.

So, most people were either in the Buxton camp or Appel camp. And when Bud Selig mosied his way to the podium, he lisped to the stunned onlookers that the Astros had selected Carlos Correa.

Correa went to the Astros, Buxton went next to the Twins and Appel dropped all the way back to Palo Alto. In a move that should surprise no one, Jeff Luhnow pressed his L1 button while everyone else toggled up and pressed triangle to dive.

Fast-forward to 2013, and folks around here don’t know what to think. The draft boards have more question marks than they did last year. Appel is again eligible to be drafted, high schoolers Austin Meadows and Clint Frazier are making cases and then there’s Jonathan Gray who’s stock has skyrocketed since the college season has started.

And, once again, the general consensus is that the Astros will take Mark Appel… again.

And that’s why I’m not convinced.

Appel’s agent – uhm, excuse me, advisor – is still Scott Boras. While I understand that the Astros have a little more leverage this year being that Appel is a senior, I have no doubt that Boras would send Appel to play with the Newark Bears, Sugar Land Skeeters or Hackensack Bulls if he feels the Astros are not offering terms that will satisfy him or his client – uhm, excuse me, advisee. There’s a precedent for this, Boras has sent one of his guys to the Independent League before, and I’m not convinced he wouldn’t do it again.

…and the Astros are likely aware of this.

Perhaps they’re already negotiating.

He’s likely the best player in the draft, he’s local and he wants to pitch for Houston… but when it comes down to it: if Mark Appel was looking to give Houston a discount, he wouldn’t have hitched his wagon to Scott Boras. Scott Boras isn’t in the discount business.

…and I think Houston is looking for a discount.

But, then again, I am not certain that Jeff Luhnow will utilize the same blueprint this year… but I think it is more likely than not.

Who will the Astros draft? I could name about fifteen guys that wouldn’t surprise me. I think I speak for most people when I say that.

But, damn the torpedoes, I’m calling my shot: Clint Frazier is the guy.

He’s a five-tool outfielder from Georgia who plays with Hunter Pence intensity. He’s got serious power, one of the three best outfield arms in the draft, and he’s lightning fast. The perception is that cross-town rival, Austin Meadows, is a better player (or at least has had more publicity saying as much), but Frazier’s two homeruns trumped Meadows’ 0-1 in their most recent head-to-head match-up.

The reason why the Astros select Frazier is because I think Luhnow can convince Frazier’s people that if he’s not selected first overall, that he won’t be taken before Meadows, Appel, Gray and possibly a few others – especially if the Astros go with Sean Manaea or Austin Wilson instead. If Frazier doesn’t go first overall, he could lose a lot of money.

Frazier will have some leverage in that he’s a high school senior and could opt for college, but, the way I see it, he’d have three options – take the Astros offer of guaranteed top 5 money, take his chances later in the draft or go to college. If he feels that the Astros offer is better than taking a gamble later in the draft, he’d probably be willing to work with Luhnow and that could save money for later draft picks – maybe Kohl Stewart or Cavan Biggio gets the Lance McCullers treatment and drops to the second round because of signability concerns.

The Houston Sports Counterplot Top 10 Prospects
I submitted the top ten list on my season preview, but I thought I would give it a little more love in this article. When I consider a prospect, I always take into account how polished the player is in addition to their ceiling. For example: someone like Ariel Ovando, I would think, would belong on any Astros top ten prospect lists if we were solely projecting his ceiling. Unfortunately for Ovando, he’s not as polished as other guys on the list. I try to look at these prospects for what they are now and what they project to be.

But, for the record, I would keep an eye on Ovando.

1.) Jonathan Singleton – 1B
Marijuana really does hinder your growth.

Just say no.

There was some speculation, mostly from myself, that Singleton could have found himself on the Opening Day roster if he could put together a solid spring. This was before the Astros signed Carlos Pena to a two-year deal and before Singleton got popped with a 50-game suspension after failing a second drug test. Instead, this Spring Training, Singleton played sparingly with the Astros and got a limited number of at-bats.

When Singleton was caught with a bat in his hands, he looked awfully impressive. But, unfortunately, 2013 might be remembered as the year he missed a third of the season for being caught with a bong in his hands.

Singleton has herculean power from the left side and should punish American League pitching once he arrives to the show. Although he’s spent some time in the outfield, he’ll be penciled in at first base, his natural position, for the next decade or so.

Singleton, or Homerton as we’re now referring to him, is expected to serve his fifty-game suspension as a member of the Oklahoma City RedHawks. I’m going to assume Jon stays there all year, roast nary a bone and likely finds himself on the short-list for a September call-up.

Next year, he’ll be starting for the Astros on Opening Day, and hopefully hitting pitches over Tal’s Hill instead of getting blazed up while listening to Cypress Hill.

2.) Carlos Correa – SS
It was hard not putting Carlos Correa at the top spot – after all, he was the first pick in the 2012 draft and has already impressed at the professional level. Simply put, Correa being second is more of an endorsement of Jon Singleton than saying anything about Correa.

Correa spent time with the Astros this spring and looked every bit as advertised as he hit .455 and got 3 RBI and 2 stolen bases in 11 at-bats.

…and he had 3 hits in front of the Houston crowd against the Cubbies.

And he’s 18.

Wanna feel old?

That means Correa was born only a month before Jeff Bagwell won his MVP award. That also means that Alex Rodriguez made his Major League debut before Correa was born. That also means that Correa was born in the post-orange Astros era.

Feel old?

It’ll be interesting to see how Jeff Luhnow handles Correa. On one hand, Correa strikes me as a guy who could make short work of the minor league system, but on the other hand, Luhnow doesn’t seem interested in rushing anyone to the majors. Two years? Three years? He told Buster Olney that there’s a possibility Correa would be up “before his 21^st birthday”. When will we see Carlos Correa? I have no idea.

I’ve heard comparisons to Troy Tulowitzki and Alex Rodriguez. I’m not sure if that means he’ll be often injured or if he’ll one day make more money than the entire Houston Astros organization. But, he can pick it at short and he’s got an outstanding bat. He’ll head to Quad Cities where he’ll man shortstop for the Astros new low-A affiliate.

3.) DeLino DeShields Jr. – 2B
Speed kills.

DeShields hasn’t physically killed anyone with his speed, but he made life really hard for the catchers in the South Atlantic League. Had Billy Hamilton not gone insane on the base paths, DeShields would have likely been the talk of minor league baseball. DeShields stole a ridiculous 101 bases between Lexington and Lancaster and, no pun intended, ran away with the Astros Minor League Player of the Year Award.

The former first rounder had a very poor 2011, as he couldn’t quite catch up with Sally League pitching. He hit .220 and looked clueless at the plate – if anyone could possibly look like a bust at 18, it was him. However, in 2012, he repeated at Lexington, hit .298, 22 doubles and humiliated catchers while on base. Between Lancaster and Lexington, DeShields struck out 131 times, so that’s something he’s going to have to work on in Lancaster. But DeShields also worked walks and found ways to get on base – if he’s to advance to Corpus Christi, his bread and butter will be setting the table by getting on base and wreaking havoc.

I’m excited to see how he’ll improve under the tutelage of Vince Coleman.

4.) Mike Foltynewicz – SP
Like DeShields, Foltynewicz had a breakout season in Lexington last year and saw his stock shoot up significantly.

The former Longhorn-commit from Illinois went 5-11 with a 4.97 ERA for the Legends in 2011 and, like DeShields, was kept in Lexington for the 2012 season. He rewarded the organization with a strong 14-4 record that saw his ERA slashed to 3.14 en route to winning the Astros Minor League Pitcher of the Year.

Foltynewicz logged time with the big league club during Spring Training and dazzled his future home crowd by mastering the Chicago Cubs, giving up only 1 hit in 4 innings while striking out 7. He has a true ace type skill set with an electric high 90s fastball.

The 20 year old will start the season in Lancaster, but, if he shows that he can master the brutal California League, he could end the season with Corpus Christi.

5.) George Springer – OF
After racking up 22 homeruns for the Jethawks, Springer was promoted to Corpus Christi for the last month of the 2012 season. “It’s about time,” Astros fans said. As a matter of fact, “#FreeSpringer” got a little bit of play amongst Astros bloggers and minor league aficionados.

Springer will start the 2013 season with the Hooks and anchor a very intriguing Wates, Springer, Santana outfield corp. That should be a very exciting outfield, but could be broken up once Wates and Springer find their way to Oklahoma City before the end of the year.

George Springer was born about 15 miles away from where Jeff Bagwell went to high school – so the area where Springer was born has been very good to the Astros organization.

Ranking Springer as the fifth best prospect wasn’t easy to do. There’s a pretty strong argument for making him the best prospect in the organization because he’s an all-round really good player. Baseball America ranks him as the 37^th best prospect in the game. Springer just does everything well. Hits? Runs? Throws? Math homework? He does it all. In my opinion, there are not many holes in his game because he does a lot of things really well– although, he has to cut down on strikeouts before he’s able to advance.

While I wouldn’t put his tools on the same level as Correa, as far as his ceiling, but I would say he’s the second best legitimate 5-tool player in the organization.

6.) Jarred Cosart – SP
Cosart just missed out on winning a spot on the Opening Day roster. It was apparent that Luhnow gave Cosart the opportunity to win a spot in the rotation and Cosart just appeared to need a little more time in AAA to hone his skill.

But make no mistake: Jarred Cosart will be in Houston at some point in the season, and he figures to be a huge part of the Houston Astros’ reclamation project.

There’s probably nothing I can say that you guys don’t already know – Cosart is a power pitcher with some good off-speed junk. He’s got a very strong curve and an above average change-up. He’s got some control issues and when he gets into trouble, things have a tendency of going from bad to worse. However, he’s young, and these are issues I think will be corrected as time moves along.

Cosart went to Clear Creek High School and loves all things Houston. The guy is invested in his hometown, he’s hungry and his desire to be a successful major leaguer is off the charts.

7.) Lance McCullers – SP
Sometimes I like to carry a Snausage in my pocket and stuff it in my dog’s mouth when she yawns – so my dog knows exactly how Jeff Luhnow must have felt when Lance McCullers fell to him in the 2012 draft.

There was tons of discussion about McCullers being a top 10 or even first overall selection, but as soon as he dropped out of the top 10, there must have been serious concerns whether he’d sign. Jeff Luhnow took a gamble, drafted McCullers and after a little bit of courtship, McCullers spurned his Florida commitment and signed with the Astros.

I asked Jayne from What The Heck, Bobby? where she thought McCullers would start the year, and she guessed Quad Cities. I said, “Isn’t that quite a jump?” and she said, “No, not really, but I imagine his innings will be limited.”

Jayne is right, if he had a good spring, there’s no reason why he can’t handle Quad Cities. McCullers is 19… they grow up so fast.

8.) Robbie Grossman – OF
After his electrifying performance in Spring Training, Grossman earned himself a spot on my top ten list. Grossman was the key piece coming back from Pittsburgh in the Wandy Rodriguez deal. He’s the ideal Luhnow guy because on first glance, he doesn’t appear to be all that awe-inspiring, but he does the little things and continually manages to find himself on base and in the middle of the action.

With the Astros, Grossman started out hot in Spring Training, cooled down and registered a .273 batting average and got on base at a .407 clip. (As if cooling down means hitting .273 despite never playing above AA.)

Grossman has a legitimate shot at getting some at-bats in Houston at some point this year, especially if Justin Maxwell or Brandon Barnes show that they’re overwhelmed.

9.) Domingo Santana – OF
Santana was the player to be named later in the Hunter Pence deal. He hit .302 with 23 homeruns and 97 RBI helping the Lancaster Jethawks win the California League title.

Santana is only 20 years old but has already mastered Lancaster and will likely start the season in Corpus Christi. I’m always taken back when people exclude Santana’s name in top 10 lists because I think his advanced skill set and his youth makes him a very intriguing prospect. As a matter of fact, I should probably have him a lot higher, but the fact that I don’t is a testament to how good the Astros farm system is.

Being 20, he’ll be one of the younger players in the Texas League, and there’s no reason to rush the guy. I expect him to spend all of 2013 in Corpus Christi.

10.) Jonathan Villar – SS
The fourth former Phillies farmhand on my list, Villar punched his ticket onto my top ten list despite punching his fist into bathroom door and winding up on the disabled list.

From what I know of Villar, this was an isolated event and doesn’t expect to be a future issue.

I assume Villar will start the season in Oklahoma as Jio Mier is slated to start in Corpus Christi. Connecting the dots, Villar must feel a bit lucky that the Astros released Tyler Greene because it means he’s not going to have to split at-bats in Oklahoma City and, with Ronny Cedeno and Marwin Gonzalez in Houston, there doesn’t seem much keeping him from the majors in the event he can show significant signs of development.

I would not consider Villar major league ready, but he’s probably the most major league ready shortstop in the organization. However, if Villar struggles in Oklahoma City and Nolan Fontana continues to work walks and get on base, don’t be shocked if Fontana blows past Villar in the pecking order.

Further Reading…
I would suggest checking out What The Heck, Bobby?’s list of who is where and also reading Astros County’s “Who’s Still Here?”

There You Have It
So, there you have it.

…and there we have it.

So, who was the rival GM that Heyman quoted as saying the Astros “need to get real?”

‘cause Singleton, Cosart, Zeid and Santana are legit, highly regarded prospects who are reasonably close to making contributions at the big league level. They’ll be flanked by Correa, Rio Ruiz, McCullers, Foltynewicz, Springer, DeShields, Grossman, Vincent Velasquez, Nick Tropeano, Max Stassi…

The future looks bright.

…For whoever that GM is, I’d say, indeed, the Astros are about to get real.

2013 Houston Astros Season Preview

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 10:10:00 -0400

by Andy

Westward, Ho!
We gathered around the dock, and Jim Crane gave a speech. A christening. He spoke about his new boat - about its name and how he came up with it. “She’s a tiny little vessel. But she is strong!” Everyone cheered. He spoke a little bit about the boat’s history and how the new coat of paint ties in with that storied past. Everyone hung on each and every word. George Postolos, faithfully standing by, handed Jim a bottle of Dom Perignon, “to the American League and to new beginnings! To the old girl, the National League, may we never speak her name again!” Crash! Jimmy broke the bottle against the hull and each of us, everyone of us, clapped. “Hear! Hear! To the Astros!”

The National League: May we never speak her name again.

Unless, of course, Bud Selig brings it up.

And there we have it: the Houston Astros have set sail into the rough waters of the American League West. The old rusty ship, settled at the bottom of the National League Sea, left to be reclaimed by explorers, historians and treasure hunters. Anew, the SS American League, mighty and small, fearless but surrounded by danger! Yet, we shall sail on. Rough waters! Choppy seas! The Rangers! The Angels! A’s and Mariners! Sharks and giant squid! Icebergs ahead!

I’m not terribly excited about realignment nor do I believe Jim Crane’s semi-truthful account on how the realignment negotiations really transpired, but I understand that I have to accept that the Astros are now an American League franchise and no amount of kicking and screaming will be able to change that.

That being said, I’ll still manage to kick, and I’ll still manage to scream about it.

The National League: I’m sure I’ll speak her name again.

I have complete faith in the competent First Mate Jeff Luhnow. I believe he’s building, piece by piece, a vessel that we can all be proud of. But, our Captain, Jim Crane, is not doing his organization any favors by continually speaking with the media and putting his foot in his mouth. He’s not been the savviest public relations representative for the Astros and has appeared to come off as tone deaf on a number of occasions. And each ignorant and arrogant word pours more bucket-fulls of water onto the deck – but at some point, if again we sink, Jim Crane will have to hold himself responsible for charting the course that leads to his demise.

He’s not garnering any goodwill amongst fans that feel burnt by this organization. Each time his name appears in the newspaper, he’s slowly transforming himself from the hero untying this damsel-in-distress organization to the wispy character who is reinforcing Drayton McLane’s knots and tightening us to the railroad tracks.

But there’s a lot to look forward to in 2013.

We’re going to see plenty of new faces, and we’re going to see some exciting baseball. We’re going to be a part of something special. We’re going to witness the rebirth of a franchise. And, quite honestly, I do not think this team is as bad as the experts are making them out to be. Sure, there will be some head scratching and face-palming. They’ll struggle, they’ll look ridiculous at times – but they’ll improve. They’ll make leaps and bounds. They’ll surprise you. They’ll make you proud. And, more importantly, they’ll win some ball games.

And, yes, we should hold the 2013 Astros to a higher standard than what we held the 2012 Astros to. We should expect them to be better –we should expect them to perform at a higher level and expect to see a few more battles won that they would have lost last year. They’re a better team than what they were last year.

There’s hope in Houston. A brighter day awaits us – and maybe it is sooner rather than later.

Our old ship has sunk. We’ve hit rock bottom. We’ve rebuilt. And now we’re back. Now it is time for the Houston Astros to get back to the level of competition that our city is accustomed to, sail ahead, fight those who oppose us and to drop anchor and dump our seaman on Bud Selig and the American League West.

Attendance
There’s going to be a lot of newness surrounding the Houston Astros in 2013. Obviously this team is going to be a little more exciting and fans may be a little more hopeful about the 2013 team as compared to the 2012 or 2011 teams. They’ll have new opponents, and they’ll make new rivals… maybe Astros fans will grow to hate the Orioles or Tigers the same way they grew to hate the Braves and Mets over the years.

Typically, the American League, as a whole, draws less than the National League. As the pundits say that American League baseball is “much more exciting,” I contend that the proof is in the pudding and National League teams tend to bring in more fans than their junior circuit counterparts. The American League has a couple of teams at the very top of Major League Baseball attendance numbers (New York, Boston, Texas) and the rest are stuck at the bottom, fighting each other to stay out of last place.

But the Astros have a decided advantage in 2013.

They’ll pack the house on dates with the Rangers, Yankees and Red Sox. I also think they’ll see hefty gates against the Angels and Tigers. And, let’s not forget, the Astros will welcome back their old buddies from St. Louis for two games in late June.

The schedule works out nicely for the Astros – this might be a once in a blue moon sort of thing. The home games against the Red Sox and Yankees will come in August and September when fans typically become disinterested and attendance generally lags. The Yankees come in for the last series of the season. Granted, the last few games of the season would do well on their own, regardless of the opponent, but since the Yankees will be in town, this will insure that the season ends with three consecutive sell-outs. Maybe the Astros will give out some bobbleheads to commemorate Mariano Rivera’s final regular season game – or maybe they’ll promote a bobblehead commemorating this event.

So, I’m predicting that the Astros see a substantial spike in attendance numbers. That being said, in 2014, once the newness wears off and people quit caring about the Angels or Tigers, if the Astros are not fielding a desirable product – they’ll be in a world of trouble and attendance numbers will flounder, fall to the Earth and blow up in our faces like a North Korean nuke.

The final tally - 1,747,888

Brand Keys “The Sports Fan Loyalty Index” – The Dumpster Fire Within
In a recent article by Maury Brown, he posts about Brand Keys releasing their 21^st annual report on The Sports Fan Loyalty Index.

Brown says, “The Sports Fan Loyalty Index, which measures all the teams in the four Major Leagues, provides an apples-to-apples comparison of the intensity with which fans within a team’s SMSA support the home team versus corresponding values for fans of other teams in that market.”

Where do the Astros rank amongst the other 30 baseball teams?

Dead. Last.

So, yeah, I’m going to call shenanigans on this so-called Index.

Look, I get it that life really sucks for Astros fans right now. I understand that all Houstonians big and small are rushing to Academy or Sports Authority or Dick’s Sporting Goods and gobbling up all the Texas Rangers gear they can find. I understand that Jim Crane is wiping his Postolos with everything Houstonians hold dear. But how on Earth could the Astros possibly be rated lower than the Miami Marlins? Give me a break!

Jeffrey Loria is not just a bad owner – he’s a terrible example of a human being.

He tricked all of southern Florida into financing a stadium that they didn’t want and, more importantly, couldn’t afford. Just a few days ago, the mayor of Miami, Tomas Regalado says, “the residents of Miami were raped.” Yes, he really said that.

Loria, baiting before switching, signed a bunch of superstar players and went about as if he wanted the Marlins to… you know, be worth making the trip out to the new, expensive stadium. He sang, he danced, and he said everything Miamians wanted to hear. But, as soon as the Marlins were out of contention, the Marlins traded Hanley Ramirez for a half-eaten ham sandwich and an Orange Crush (which was promptly fed to their sea cow first baseman). Then, this off-season, Loria, giant brass balls drooping to the floor, turned complete heel and traded off everyone but Giancarlo Stanton to the Blue Jays.

And, now, as if he couldn’t get any cooler, he is suing season ticket holders.

Just look at how the Astros and Marlins exported goods to Canada. The Marlins traded Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson and Mark Buerhle, three all-star players, to the Blue Jays and got back a handful of prospects. And what did the Blue Jays get for shipping their prospects to the Astros? Brandon Lyon and JA Happ.

JA Happ.

Again – I get it! It’s bad in Houston! The Astros are a freaking dumpster fire right now, but, there’s absolutely no comparison – zero. Compared to our dumpster fire, the Miami Marlins are a freaking four alarm fire wrapped in an earthquake at a crippled-children’s orphanage. Yes, the Astros are a beat up 1984 Honda Accord with no air conditioning and a broken side view mirror; the Marlins, however, are shoes. There is no way on God’s green Earth that the Marlins have a fan base more loyal than the Astros.

The Marlins are shoes.

These Dudes Don’t Look So Tough
We’ve kicked open the door, we’ve crashed the party, we’re drunk and now it is time to hit on some of these guys’ wives.

Angels
Have you ever been to an Angels’ game? I have. It is exactly like a Dodgers’ game except the fans that show up late, which I would characterize as “more than half,” are wearing Tapout shirts instead of neck-tattoos.

No one pays attention, and no one seems to care about what’s going on. “Who is this Mike Trout fellow? Is that Tim Salmon’s son?”

The El Pueblo Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula Angels of Anaheim (which I assume is their official name) are likely the class of the division in 2013. They have a very solid and capable rotation with CJ Wilson at the top and Tommy Hanson at the bottom. Their offense will be anchored by All-Everything Mike Trout, Josh Hamilton and (fancy seeing you here) SOB Albert Pujols.

By far, the tastiest AL West tidbit of the off-season was this. Josh Hamilton, in a moment of complete sobriety, slurred that Dallas is “not a true baseball town” which, in turn, caused everyone in the Metroplex, or rather the folks who know about the local baseball team, to collectively poop their pants. I’m not saying Hamilton was wrong – he’s not wrong, he’s right. He’s exactly right. But, how can you say something like that and then go out and sign with Anaheim? Anaheim is a “true baseball town?” Really? Hamilton has obviously been huffing too much paint because calling out Dallas for not being a “true baseball town” and hightailing it to Orange County is like changing the channel from Swamp People to Moonshiners because you prefer a program with “a little more class.”

Let’s not forget, Josh, the Angels shamefully tacked on “Los Angeles” to their name because their owner, Arte Moreno, has a very noticeable hard-on for all things LA… even though the ciudad is 40 miles and two hours away.

Lakers. Dodgers. UFC. Beach Volleyball. Angels. That’s the pecking order in Orange County, Josh. You’re drunk, so shut your mouth about “true baseball towns” and go home.

You’d be hard pressed to find another fan base as oblivious as Orange County. The only reason Angels fans exist is because folks there do not want to hop on the 405 and stew in traffic all day to get brutally beaten at a Dodgers game.

92-70 – Angels win the division

Rangers
It isn’t too hard to hate the Rangers. Throughout my entire life, I viewed the Rangers as nothing more than the baseball equivalent of an ex-convict relative. We were told that while they were indeed part of the family, it is best not to make eye contact and never consume anything they serve at reunions. When we didn’t have to see them, we didn’t care about them and they were, pretty much across the board, a non-factor.

Even within the Metroplex, who really ever cared about the Rangers?

But now we’re sharing a division, and it’ll be like a family reunion umpteen times a year.

My advice? Don’t make eye contact and stay away from the shady sweet potato casserole.

As we discussed earlier, the Rangers are dealing with a few notable defections – namely Josh Hamilton (and their dignity). But I believe they still have a squad that will vie for a playoff spot. Yu Darvish proved that he can be the ace the Rangers have so desperately wanted, and the rest of their rotation stacks up rather nicely. Even with the loss of Hamilton, the Rangers will trot out a line-up that should produce some pretty robust offensive statistics. Ian Kinsler, Adrian Beltre, Elvis Andrus, the-oft-injured Nelson Cruz and (fancy seeing you here) Lance Berkman will provide plenty of fireworks this summer. But their most intriguing player will be starting the year in Round Rock. SS Jurickson Profar, who is probably as exciting a player as Mike Trout, is geared up to terrorize the Astros for the next decade or so.

Yes, we can hate the Rangers freely.

No, not because these flavors-of-the-month meatheads are scooping up the Snooki Berkmans of the Astros organization, but rather the Rangers consider themselves exclusively as Texas’ team and advertise themselves as such on their uniforms.

Let me preface what I’m about to say by saying that I know a lot. I’m likely the smartest guy you know. And, seeing that I know a lot, I know that Dallas doesn’t represent Texas. Texas isn’t about getting a $35K job and buying a Mercedes on credit or marrying a woman with poorly done fake boobs and a mustache. If it wasn’t for Houston, Dallas wouldn’t be able to ruin their credit or marry ugly women – they’d all be a part of Mexico and ruining their credit and marrying ugly women there.

The only reason you can wear “Texas” across your jersey is because of us.

You’re welcome, Dallas.

But, it is time to take “Texas” off your jerseys, Dallas.

89-73

A’s
I’m not at all happy about having our young impressionable team wandering around in Oakland. In my opinion, this is just another wicked ploy by Bud Selig to destroy the Houston Astros… this time, by putting them in the American League and into the line of fire. Oakland is a dangerous city – after all, the American League is just a collection of city after city in which good law-abiding Astros fans are likely to be stabbed and succumb to the temptation of prostitutes.

Apparently, there’s a baseball team in Oakland.

On June 30^th, the A’s were 37-42 after losing to the Rangers. After that game, they won 5 on their way to going 19-5 for the month of July. They finished the last three months of the season by going 57-26 and stealing the division from the Texas Rangers. Can the A’s find lightning in a bottle for 2013?

As Lance Zierlein would say, they’ll more than likely find “fart in a bottle.”

Since Billy Beane took over in 1998, the A’s have traditionally had a no-name roster chockfull of budding stars – once they become stars, they’re traded to the Braves, Cardinals, Orioles, Diamondbacks, Nippon Ham Fighters or whoever. This has been a process that has worked out quite nicely for the A’s as they’ve been in and out of the playoffs over the last fifteen years - but it should be noted that they haven’t had a World Series appearance to show for it.

Yoenis Cepedes will headline the A’s offense in 2013. In his first year stateside, Cepedes flirted with .300 while hitting 23 bombs. He was runner-up in Rookie of the Year votes and got some MVP buzz. I expect him to build on a very successful 2012 campaign as he becomes more comfortable playing in the big leagues.

Cepedes will be flanked by Josh Reddick, Brandon Moss, Coco Crisp and (fancy seeing you here) Jed Lowrie. Reddick is an interesting case as he hit .242 with 32 homeruns in 2012. He’s one of those guys who could repeat this performance or fall off the face of the Earth – who really knows because he doesn’t exactly have a track record for success?

The Oakland A’s are going to live and die by their young, unheralded pitching staff. I’m not quite sure if this is a “The Big Three: Part Two,” but this is a staff that is definitely the best since Hudson, Mulder and Zito.

While I expect Tommy Milone and Jarrod Parker to put together nice seasons, I am very interested to see the numbers Brett Anderson puts forth as Oakland’s ace. Anderson, who has had a run of injuries derailing his young career, looks healthy and primed to bounce back. I’m confident that he’ll be every bit of the player the A’s thought he’d be when they traded Dan Haren for him and Chris Carter.

85-77

Mariners
I don’t even know what to say about the Mariners other than I’m not sure there is a more boring team in baseball right now.

They’ll win a few, and they’ll lose a few and, at the end, no one will really care.

I won’t.

The Mariners can pretty much guarantee a win every fifth day provided their offense finds a way to score a run or two. But other than King Felix, there’s nothing particularly special about the Mariners’ roster this year.

Remember when Kendrys Morales was like, “no, I’m not Kendry, I’m Kendrys. It’s plural, bro, like multiple quintiles of Kendry.” That is confusing! And, it doesn’t even make sense – shouldn’t the plural of “Kendry” be “Kendries?”

Anyway, Kendries Morales will be the middle of the order bat they thought Justin Smoak would be. Michael Morse, via the most boring three-team trade ever, found his way to the Great Northwest and has the capability to hit Maxwellian-esque homeruns. Plus the Mariners have a lot of young talent in their line-up, guys like Dustin Ackley and Michael Saunders could show some improvement in 2013 while Jesus Montero is a legitimate budding star.

We’ve established that Felix Hernandez is the best player on the team and everyone who is anyone has already commented on the fact that he makes more money than the entire Astros roster – whatevs. After King Felix, the Mariners plan to trot out Joe Saunders, Blake Beavan and a Japanese fellow whose name escapes me. Brandon Maurer will man the fifth spot and they have a truckload of pitching in the minors that will likely get a shot at some point in the season.

The Mariners have done a decent job of rebuilding their team, and they’re further along in the process than where the Astros are. I expect they’ll flirt with .500 for a while and then tail off into the L column.

77-85

…And The Rest of the League?
NL East - Braves
NL Central - Cardinals
NL West - Dodgers
NL Wild Card - Nationals
NL Wild Card - Giants
AL East - Blue Jays
AL Central - Tigers
AL West - Angels
AL Wild Card - Rays
AL Wild Card - Rangers

World Series – Nationals over Tigers

The “Cool Kids” Table
AL MVP - Evan Longoria
NL MVP - Bryce Harper
AL Cy Young - Justin Verlander
NL Cy Young - Craig Kimbrel
AL Rookie of the Year - Aaron Hicks
NL Rookie of the Year - Shelby Miller

Astros Break Out Star
Chris Carter.

When the Astros dealt Jed Lowrie to the A’s in February, they had high hopes for the three players they got back in the deal. While Brad Peacock has looked good in Spring Training, most of the buzz around the three centers on Chris Carter. Carter has power for days and showed last year that, at 26, he’s still an intriguing prospect.

…And, in 2013, I expect him to break out and have a strong offensive season.

Likely in LF, I expect Carter to cut down on his strikeouts (although he hasn’t shown signs of doing that so far in Spring Training) and continue to put up power numbers.

Team MVP
Jason Castro

Castro is going to do a lot of little things that might go unrecognized in 2013. He’ll put up decent offensive numbers and will provide quality defense behind the plate. However, his real value is going to be how he handles the Astros’ hodgepodge pitching staff. Will he be able to help Bedard and Humber revive their careers? Will he help Peacock and White get their heads on straight? Will he keep doing whatever he was doing that had Lucas Harrell playing on ace status? He’s got a lot of responsibility with this pitching staff, and I think he’ll prove to be a vital part of this staff’s success.

At the end of the year, folks will be talking about Jose Altuve or Lucas Harrell or whomever… but if the Astros pitching staff plays well-above expectations, Jason Castro will deserve some of the credit.

Shocking, But This Guy Stays on the Roster All Year
Brandon Barnes.

Barnes has shown that he can handle centerfield until a better option comes along. This spring, he’s hit, and he’s played outstanding defense. While I expect Maxwell to get the nod on Opening Day, I will not be surprised to see his playing time diminish in lieu of Barnes’ superior play.

We Hardly Knew Ye
Carlos Pena

I can’t imagine how Pena will manage to stay on the team this year – at least not for the full season. With Wallace and Carter already on the club and Laird and Singleton stewing in Oklahoma City, Pena has a lot of competent competition behind him on the depth chart.

I fully expect Jon Singleton to make his debut this summer and, if the Astros are still trying to figure out what to do with Wallace, Pena will be traded or released.

Looks who is back!
Nolan Ryan.

No, not really.

Nolan Ryan might quit his job with the Rangers, but I don’t imagine there is a position waiting for him with the Astros. I can’t imagine Jim Crane wanting to cede any power to Ryan and I think that’s what Ryan wants – power.

The Houston Sports Counterplot’s Top 10 Prospects
1.) Jonathan Singleton
2.) Carlos Correa
3.) DeLino DeShields Jr
4.) Mike Foltynewicz
5.) George Springer
6.) Jarred Cosart
7.) Lance McCullers
8.) Robbie Grossman
9.) Domingo Santana
10.) Jonathan Villar

Here’s an article written by Jayne from What The Heck, Bobby? that speaks to some of the guys in the minor league system who have something to prove. And, here’s another that’s about the minor league pitching philosophy that Jeff Luhnow plans to espouse in 2013.

So, Who Are These Guys?
Change is not always a bad thing. As a matter of fact, considering that this is an organization that has lost 213 games in the last two years, it would be an understatement to suggest that change is preferred. Change is needed! When the Astros trot out on the field on Sunday, we’re going to see a collection of new faces and much newer faces.

The Astros are an assemblage of players at different points in their career. They have prospects looking to show they’re worth the hype, under-the-radar rookies who want to make a name for themselves and older cast offs who are looking to reclaim their careers. The Astros have grizzled old veterans like Jose Altuve, 22, and wet-behind-the-ears rooks like Chris Carter, 26. And even a guy who has pitched a perfect game.

The Astros youth movement has taken a slight detour at the big league level as guys like Philip Humber, Erik Bedard, Carlos Pena, Rick Ankiel and Ronny Cedeno figure to register a significant amount of playing time. I don’t necessarily have a problem with veterans fending off prospects because 1.) The Astros should field the best team possible and 2.) There is absolutely no need to rush prospects unless they’re ready to contribute.

Either way, the big league roster is going to be significantly different at the end of the season than what we’ll see at the beginning of the season. I’m expecting maybe 12-13 guys who are on the roster now will not be around when we get to September – maybe more. There will be a flurry of trades, demotions and releases.

There are a few core guys who’ll manage to stick around for this year and beyond, but understand that this organization has a lot of talent coming up from the farm and change isn’t always a bad thing.

Opening Day: The line-up
2B – Jose Altuve
Prediction: .285/10/59
Altuve, an all-star last year, has emerged as the face of the franchise in 2013. I expect he’ll continue to improve, he’ll take a few more walks and he’ll load up on doubles and triples. In my opinion, he’s the only known quantity the Astros have.

Who plays in September? Jose Altuve

1B – Brett Wallace
Prediction: .265/18/66
Wallace is the most frustrating guy on the team. There is no debate that he’s a talented player, but whether he’s able to put it all together is a different story. I think batting second will be an ideal spot for Wallace because I think he’ll cut down on strikeouts and get on base. He’s a guy that, if he’s able to put it all together, can flirt with .300 and lead the league in doubles. …that won’t happen. But I expect Wallace to put together a very nice season splitting time between first, third and DH.

Who plays in September? Jonathan Singleton

DH – Carlos Pena
Prediction: .250/8/30
Pena is what he is. He’s a stopgap until Singleton is ready and insurance in case Wallace can’t hit. The best-case scenario for Pena, would be to put together solid numbers and get dealt to a contender. I’m not convinced he’ll be able to do it – if he starts out sluggish, don’t be shocked if he gets DFA’ed and is replaced by Brandon Laird.

Who plays in September? Brett Wallace

CF – Justin Maxwell
Prediction: .225/25/74
I’m putting the line at .240 for Maxwell. If he hits anywhere below that, you won’t be seeing his smiling face across Astros billboards next off-season. He might hit the ball 450ft, but if he can’t connect more often and cannot show an ability to get on base, he’ll find himself on the bench or off the team. If given a full season, Justin Maxwell could very easily lead the league in strikeouts. Will his massive power numbers be enough to compensate for his inability to get on base?

Who plays in September? Brandon Barnes

RF – Rick Ankiel
Prediction: .260/19/45
I’m thrilled that Ankiel is going to make the team this year. Downright giddy! He’s done everything the team has asked him to do and more. He’s going to play solid defense, put up decent numbers and fend off prospects. That being said, Ankiel could play himself out of Houston and onto the bench of a contender. Having a guy like Ankiel will be monumental in establishing a professional culture amongst the greenhorns.

Who plays in September: Fernando Martinez/Robbie Grossman

LF – Chris Carter
Prediction: .257/31/90
I’m picking Chris Carter to have a very nice year. Carter will hit for power as I predict he’ll take advantage of the short porch in left.

Who plays in September? Chris Carter

C – Jason Castro
Prediction: .265/21/71
I think this is the year that Jason Castro shows that he’s a legitimate big league ball player. After a strong Spring Training and a solid second half of 2012, I’m predicting that Castro emerges as one of the better catchers in baseball. Castro’s health is going to be a concern, but I’m banking on him registering a healthy 120 games behind the plate in 2013. I believe that Castro will show great improvements offensively while providing defensively reliability. In my opinion, this is Castro’s year to take the reins and assert himself as one of the club’s leaders.

Who plays in September? Jason Castro

3B – Matt Dominguez
Prediction: .251/19/68
Matty D was traded to Houston for Carlos Lee. It is one thing to find a willing partner to take Carlos Lee off your hands, it is another to get something valuable back in return. Matt Dominguez is a Gold Glove caliber third baseman that the Marlins’ foolishly traded away in July of last year. Dominguez is going to play spectacular defense in 2013, but he will show significant deficiencies at the plate. Dominguez’s glove will keep him in the big leagues, but I imagine if he struggles too much at the plate, Brandon Laird will be close by to pick up the slack. I’m predicting that Dominguez’s bat will be just enough to keep him from demotion. …I expect his offensive numbers to improve as the season moves along.

Who plays in September? Matt Dominguez

SS – Ronny Cedeno
Prediction .248/5/42
Cedeno arrived in Houston after being let go by the Cardinals because Marwin Gonzalez and Tyler Greene showed that they could not be trusted to handle shortstop. This is not a glowing endorsement for anyone. I really like the Cedeno signing, though – not because I think Cedeno is going to be a valuable piece to the puzzle, but I do think Cedeno provides a better option than the two guys he beat out. Cedeno is a guy who has played with a handful of organizations and he understands his role with the club. In my opinion, he’s not likely to stay with the Astros throughout the season and will likely give way to a Villar/Gonzalez platoon towards the end of the season.

Who plays in September? Jonathan Villar

The Bench
Carlos Corporon
Fernando Martinez
Brandon Barnes
Marwin Gonzalez

The Rotation
Bud Norris
Prediction: 4-7/3.68/105
I think Bud’s a goner. This is a shame because Norris is an absolute treasure on 1560 The Game. The stats I predicted for Bud will be stats he’s accumulated at the time he’s dealt… probably to the Cardinals or Giants. In 2013, Bud is going to be a lot better than what he was in 2012. He’s going to get a lot of tough luck and lose a few games he should win, but, ultimately, he’ll be shipped off to greener pastures before the trade deadline.

Lucas Harrell
Prediction: 12-10/3.65/132
If Harrell remains on the team, which I think he will, he’ll put up numbers comparable to what he put up last year. The offenses are better in the American League, but I think Harrell is going to be a better pitcher this year than he was last year, and he’ll assert himself as the ace of this staff. My only concern with Harrell is that he might get traded if Jeff Luhnow finds a team that wants him bad enough.

Philip Humber
Prediction: 3-8/5.30/75
Humber had a very strong Spring Training, but I do not think it will translate into the regular season. I am predicting Humber to struggle significantly and be given a lot of chances before he’s removed from the starting rotation and given the Nelson Figueroa treatment.

Brad Peacock
Prediction: 10-12/4.11/153
I think Peacock is going to be a very nice pitcher for the Astros this year. He’ll have his ups and downs, he’ll frustrate fans, but he’ll put up decent numbers and remain in the rotation throughout the year. I predict that Peacock will lead the team in strikeouts and rack up double digit wins for the rebuilding Astros.

Erik Bedard
Prediction: 5-5/4.01/75
Bedard is the third pitcher who I think will start the year with the Astros but finish elsewhere. However, unlike Humber, I think Bedard is going to show a lot of value and get dealt before the deadline.

Rotation in September: Harrell, Peacock, Alex White, Jarred Cosart, John Ely

The bullpen
Alex White (long relief, spot starter)
Rhiner Cruz (set-up)
Jose Veras (closer)
Wesley Wright (loogy)
Josh Fields
Hector Ambriz
Xavier Cedeno

25 Astros = Alex Rodriguez
If this were The Oregon Trail, Jim Crane’s wagon would be travelling on “meager” status and Jose Altuve would have already died of Dysentery. The Astros payroll is super light this year – I mean, it is the dollar menu of Major League Baseball. The Astros roster often sits in the passenger side of their best friend’s ride, tryin’ to holler at the New York Yankees.

Jim Crane is a modern-day Cheap Pete ordering a rum lifesaver and a glass of water at the bar.

And, as you’ve already heard from ESPN, CBS, NBC, ABC, AARP, NWA and BBW, Alex Rodriguez will make more money than the entire Astros roster in 2013. Isn’t that an amazing factoid that should embarrass the most proud Astros fan? But, I have to wonder, whom on the Astros would you replace A-Rod with? Should the Astros be jealous of the fact that the Yankees are paying A-Rod a ridiculous $28,000,000 to hit .270 and spend most of the year on the disabled list?

I get it. We should feel dumb for being Astros fans – whatever. But, don’t throw A-Rod in our faces as if having him on the team would be some kind of badge of honor

A-Rod sucks.

How will the Astros do in 2013?
This is going to be a tough assignment – to pick how the Astros will do in 2013. There are so many unknowns that it is damn near impossible to predict how things will transpire. Will Justin Maxwell strikeout 300 times? Will he hit 40 homeruns? Will Lucas Harrell show that 2012 wasn’t a fluke and come out pitching like the Astros’ ace? Is Chris Carter who we hope he’ll be? Who the hell is Hector Ambriz? Can the duality of Brett Wallace coexist with itself? Will Wallace figure out a way to wire his head and his ass together before Bo Porter takes a giant sh!# on him?

If the Astros win 100 or lose 100, will anyone even notice or care because they’re not on TV?

I have no idea.

But we’re not hopeless. There is reason for hope in 2013. The Astros aren’t fielding a club full of zeroes in 2013. No! No! My friend, there is reason for hope. There is reason to believe that Chris Carter will have a breakout year and that Jason Castro will stay healthy. There is reason to believe that Jose Altuve can lead the league in doubles and that Brett Wallace can show the world that he’s an everyday player. There’s reason to believe that Brad Peacock and Alex White can hold down the middle of the rotation for years to come. There is reason to believe that Jose Altuve will not be the only Astros all-star in 2013. There’s reason to believe this because there is legitimate potential on the 2013 Houston Astros.

But, still, I’m picking them to finish in last.

My suggestion: don’t get too caught up in the wins and losses. Watch this team grow and get better. Cheer for the little things! The details!

If you have CSN Houston, watch the games.

Read what the newspaper and blogs are saying. Read Astros County, The Crawfish Boxes, Farmstros, What The Heck Bobby?, Climbing Tal’s Hill, Whiskers on a Stache, and Tales From the Juice Box. Follow Trei Bundrett, Lee Street and listen to what Sean Pendergast has to say on 1560. You need to follow Mike Fast.

This team will improve throughout the year. They’ll get better. They’ll play fundament baseball under Bo Porter, and they’re going to hustle. They’re going to fight, and they’re going to make us proud to be Astros fans again.

And they’re going to win a few more games than they did last year.

And they won’t be the worst team in the league.

And, next off-season, they will not be the butt of any jokes.

69-93

Nar-Raids: The State of The City

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 19:27:42 -0400

By Stephen Naron

Guys, remember a few years ago when the Texans had NEVER had a winning season and were the ugly stepchild of the NFL, Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady were taking turns blowing up every tendon and bone in their bodies, and the Astros were trying to place a Carlos Lee band aid on the mortal wound they’d inflicted on the franchise? Well, it’s 2013 now and the sports scene in Houston has drastically changed. The Texans are “perennial” division champions, the Rockets are the youngest and arguably most exciting team in the NBA, and the Astros have compiled a storehouse of young artillery in their system. I figure right before baseball season, NFL draft, and NBA playoffs is as good a time as any to check in with all 3 major Houston sports franchises (sorry soccer…we haven’t been annexed by Mexico yet) to rank their likelihood of success in the immediate future. The parameters? How is the team set up to be successful in the next 5 years (winning seasons, playoffs, championships with emphasis in that order)?

So, which team is most likely to give the greatest city in America their first parade since 1995?

1. ROCKETS
Daryl Morey has solidified himself as best GM in Houston this year. Let’s run down the list shall we…..James Harden: legitimate superstar. Best player since McGrady (possibly Olajuwon) in H-town. He is the epitome of efficiency. He oozes coolness and confidence. He enjoys the spotlight. There’s only two players in the NBA I would trade for him (Lebron and KD). Omer Asik: A double-double machine. A Judge Reinhold looking 7 foot assassin who is the anchor on the defensive end. Jeremy Lin: WAY better than I imagined he would be. Has shown sparks of something very special and is becoming a better distributor of the rock. Then you have quite possibly the best value of ANY player in ANY sport in one Chandler Parsons. If Scottie Pippen would have had boy band good looks and not acted like a douchebag all the time, he’d have been called Chandler Parsons. The Rockets are the youngest team in the league, and score in bunches. They do struggle defensively - especially when Asik sits, but they are exciting to watch and play hard every night. Their schedule seems to indicate that they will finally get off the schneid and back into the playoffs this year.

This is all in addition to their incredibly good cap situation, you can see why I’ve picked the Rockets to have the most success over the next five years. They are in shape to add even another big name this offseason, and with Harden here they should be very attractive to free agents now.

I can sum up my only Rockets concern in two words: Lebron James. No other Houston team is in a league that contains such a transcendent star right now. The Heat are in the middle of a 20-something game streak , and it kinda seems like the rest of the NBA will be playing for second with King James reigning.

However, let the Rockets get one more big piece and….they are right there in the conversation.

In Morey We Trust.

2. ASTROS
Keep laughing it up everybody, but what Luhnow is doing on the baseball side is going to pay huge dividends - soon. Sure, the Astros will not be that good this year, and will almost certainly have the worst record of the big three this season - but they are also being built for a huge turnaround within these next five years. The Wild Card? Jim Crane. We already know that he evidently didn’t amass his fortune while becoming a savvy PR guy. He continues to say things that make me scratch my head and test my loyalty. Will he spend the money when Luhnow’s plan starts coming together and it’s time to bring a few select veterans in? We just don’t know right now, and I am probably giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I do know this: Luhnow and Bo Porter are extremely good hires and I trust both of their visions for the team. The Astros don’t have the same money constraints that the other two have, but for the immediate future they do have the toughest divisional foes.

Ironically, I think it’s the rampant spending in the AL West that is going to set the Stros up perfectly to start a Django-esque tour of revenge across the division in a few short years. So muck it up for now Dallas Rangers fans cause I have a little black book of insults ready to unleash in a few short years when your team is back to the unmitigated disaster they were for the first five decades of their existence.

3. TEXANS
Here is the good news: of all three teams this is the one I would be least surprised at being World Champs next year. The bad: as we are seeing in free agency now, the Texans aren’t exactly set up to be as successful down the road as some thought.

Sure they have the most exciting young defensive player in the league (who is going to get paid soon), but Andre keeps getting older and this postseason sort of answered that old Flacco v Schaub debate some of us used to have.

The NFL is almost for sure the most wide open of the three leagues, and I like that the Texans seem to be embracing building the D (especially with Schaub as QB) to win a championship, but I am also very concerned about the confidence Andrew Luck is already building in Indy. Could the Texans make a few shrewd moves, get a healthy Cush, and get Schaub’s confidence back to a level that enables them to bring the ultimate prize to Houston? YES! But there is no doubt that the Texans’ window is a lot smaller than the Rockets’ and the one the Astros will be opening in a few seasons.

As Texans fans, we are going to have to hope that Rick Smith is able to finagle the salary cap numbers well enough to keep the team in the hunt and not lose too many pieces in the next few years.

So there’s how I see the State of the City in regards to the big three sports franchises. The Texans are most likely to get the job done now, the Astros are in a great position long term, and the Rockets are set up nicely to be a force in the Western Conference for several years. If that’s not optimistic enough let’s end up with a game of would you rather: Two lists…… Carlos Lee, Steve Francis, David Carr OR Jose Altuve, James Harden, JJ Watt?

Yep.

…I thought so too.

We'd Watch the Astros on Valentine's Day

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 03:20:27 -0500

by Andy

Lately, I’ve been fighting these emotions… these overwhelming feelings, I blame it on my elevated levels of machismo, but I’ve got a lot on my mind. And, this being Valentines Day, I just wanted to say a few words to some of my followers… particularly, all the pretty ladies. I’m talking to you. This one goes out to all the girls out there. All the girls who root for the Astros and read my blog. I see you, baby. This blog entry goes out to you.

…and only you.

Girl, I’ve been thinking about you for a while. I see you over there… all sexy looking. Mmmm… I know the baseball season is about to start and you might not be hearin’ a lot from me… but, girl, mmmm, yeah…. I just want you to know, that, this year is the year, our year, if you will… mmm… me, you and the Houston Astros. Oh yeah. This is the year that the Astros will finally go to the World Series. We’ll be on top! So, while I am sitting in front of my television and I seem to be ignoring you while you’re talking about your feelings or what happened on Pretty Little Liars or that slut Becky you work with… mmm, girl… I just want you to know, that Jose Altuve has a legitimate shot at leading the league in doubles this year. And, girl, that’s what really matters - Jose Altuve racking up doubles. Mmm… What’s that, baby? Yeah… well… you’re the finest Astros fan in the world and, girl, there is one thing I wanna do with you. And, I’ve been wanting to do it to you for a long, long time. You ready, girl?

This poem is called…

WE’D WATCH THE ASTROS ON VALENTINE’S DAY

I’ll be relaxed on my couch, my big screen on Comcast Sports,
Wearing nothing but my Astros jersey and a pair of high school gym shorts,
My left hand’s digging in some Doritos, the right is holdin’ onto a beer,
I’m drinkin’ ‘cause they’re losing, but, girl, you make me want stand up and cheer,
‘cause you’re prancing in our livingroom and I know it’s time to get it on,
We’re gonna watch replays of the playoff year - until the break of dawn,
I’ll be your Jeff Bagwell, girl, you wanna be my Biggio?
I take you ‘round the bases, run my hands all through your fro,
I’ve been wanting this for along time, there’s only one thing I wanna do,
This Valentine’s Day, baby, I wanna watch the Houston Astros with you.

It’ll be like oh oh ohhhh… it’s a replay, it’s not live,
And a oh oh ohhh… girl, it’s like 2005
And a oh oh ohhh… if I could have it my own way
Oh oh oh… girl, we’d watch the Astros on Valentine’s Day.

I can see you really want this, girl, ya know I’ve been wanting this, too.
Dressed sexy in your Astros gear, the Altuve jersey I bought you,
You’re looking so hot right now, but I can’t take my eye off this game,
If you keep talking over Brownie and Ash, girl, I just might go insane.
My Doritos chips are getting smaller and my beer can is getting light,
If the Astros start winning, girl, and we’ll be watching this all night.
And when we wake up in the morning after our Astros Valentine’s Day,
I hope you make me some eggs and we can sit back and watch the replay.

Oh oh, girl, They’ll be rounding the bases
Oh oh, girl, we’ll be making Astro-oh oh ohhh faces.

But this was just a dream, the Astros season has yet to start,
These fantasies about winter baseball is playing extra inning games with my heart,
And, girl, if you love me, I think you should understand,
That while I’m your biggest cheerleader, baby, I’m way more of an Astros fan.
So, flip on the television and let’s not stop it until we’re through,
This Valentine’s Day, I wanna oh oh ohhhh… watch the Houston Astros with you.

The end.

Oh yeah… mmm… before there’s any discussion or debate amongst the sexy ladies out there about who this poem is really about, I gotta be honest, ladies… it’s about all of you. …each and every sexy lady out there.

There’s Jayne… mmm… from What the Heck, Bobby. She writes about Astros prospects. Well, girl, I gotta special ‘prospect’ for you… how about you, me, a Jacuzzi and an updated version of the Astros top prospect list? We can talk dirty to each other by saying words like Foltynewicz and Wojciechowski. Yeah? That’s right, girl, I wanna Wojciechowski you. Mmmm…

Then there is Terri. Terri writes about the Astros… but, she also writes about food. Tales from the Juice Box is the name of her blog… mmm. I gotta say, girl, you look more luscious than a plate of barbecue brisket with a side of potato salad. I like your blog’s dinner discussions, but, I say, let’s (you and me) have a few discussions over dinner… oh yeah. I’ll tell you about this new recipe that I got… it’s for an Astros All-Night Passion Cake. Interested? It includes a dash of me and a dollop of you and then a whole bunch of passion… and some cake… and the Astros.

There’s Camille, she doesn’t write for a blog, but she retweets me… over and over again. All night. I like it, girl. You can retweet me and I can retweet you. We can favorite each other’s tweets… and it’ll be magical, sexual and sensual. Let’s listen to a mix tape full of our favorite Lil Rhiner songs. You’re always lookin’ finer than frog hair.

Oh, yeah, Alyson Footer… she is the sassiest and sauciest hot mama in baseball. Girl, when you left, you broke my heart. All I ever wanted to be was your Brad Ausmus boy toy. Sometimes, I wake up and I scream your name. But, girl, I know you left for greener grass… but I just want you to know, girl, my bed is cold at night and I miss you. P.S. Thanks for mentioning my #AstrosMovie tweets in your blog… that was pretty awesome, girl.

There’s DeAnna, can’t forget about her… girl, you tweeted about the Westminster Dog Show and I don’t know what that was all about. Well, baby, I don’t know much about dog shows (or dogs for that matter), but I do know that you’re one smokin’ hot babe and you have my tail wagging at full speed. If you were locked in the pound, I’d come get you out ‘fore they euthanized you… and we could go to the dog park and I would let you sniff my butt.

There’s the Aldermans… there’s like 3 or 4 of you, I can’t keep up… I think y’all are sisters or maybe there’s a mom mixed in there or whatever… that’s way too much for one Astros fan to handle. But, I’ll be honest, like the 2013 Astros, I’m up for the challenge. Is Cheryl Faulkner a long lost Alderman sister, too? She’s been commenting on our tweets and that’s totally hot. I’m #BachShitCray over you ladies.

Kelly George… Kelly George… you got me acting like Curious George. You’re the new Astros social media director. I think you were Miss Alabama or something at one point… but, as of now, you’re the smokin’ hot Miss Astros Lady. Miss Astros Lady? That sounds dumb, but I swear, girl, that was a compliment. And, you’re a total babe. And, as the social media director, I want to socially direct you straight to my heart. It is full of Lipitor and bacon grease, but under that slippery layer of fat is an Astros fan that really wants to answer all of your trivia questions.

And, mmm, then there is Orbit. Mmmm, I’m not sure if you’re a man or a woman or what… and, quite honestly, I really don’t care. You ooze sexuality that transcends gender or universally accepted ideas of attractiveness. The things I want to do to you are likely not legal on this planet… or most planets… except Uranus, it is definitely legal on Uranus. (And, yes, that was a double entendre.) Anyway, I just think you have a big ol’ fat butt, and, Orbit, I’m really, really into that… However, I’m not really into the extra-terrestrials, though. …but then again, I’ve never really gotten it on with one. But, you know what they say, “Once you go green, it’ll be hard to ever get clean… ‘cause we’ll be dirty.” Mmmm…

And, lastly, there’s my girl… my real one. She’s on the top of my list… sure, she understands that I’m a stallion that cannot be wrangled. But, she was willing to try. …and that’s all I ask of her and the Houston Astros. She bought a Kevin Bass jersey and she is the arm candy at every single baseball game I go to. She’s my number one. The love of my life. She’s my Chris Burke homerun. She’s my manager, she’s my ace and she’s my all-star. She’s the Biggio to my Bagwell. I love you, girl.

For Our Team's Good

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 11:35:57 -0500

by Andy

When I was a school-aged chap, the worst and most agonizing days were the days leading up to Christmas vacation. These days were soaked with unbridled anticipation and excitement. The clock ticked slowly, the calendar wouldn’t budge and we were resigned to our perilous fate – we would be stuck in school forever. Like hostages, we were trapped in classroom torture-cells, duct taped to our chairs; we were slaves to barbaric whims and desires of our unrelenting violent schoolmarm dungeon-masters.

“Fun crushers! Joy robbers! Thieves of happiness!” we cried!

Yet like hardened soldiers, we bravely slogged forward. We grinded through tedious book reports, tedious mathematical equations (work shown, mind you) and tedious science projects… with brains melted, hands callused, our desire to survive… eh… about 50/50.

“How many baking soda volcanoes must I build, you sadistic bastards?” we cried!

It was painful. It was painful because Christmas was right around the corner. It was so close that we could smell it! It smelled like cookies and Christmas trees.

If we could handle this week, next week would be so much better. The finish line! The light at the end of the tunnel!

This week was painful.

Next week was Christmas.

“You can never break me! We will march till Christmas! We will not be defeated!” we cried!

This is exactly where we are in relation to the baseball season. We’re on the homestretch, but it is still too far away from being anything other than painful.

But will the pain go away once the season starts?

After a tumultuous off-season that included realignment and across-the-board torrential mass defections, Astros fans are left to clean, bandage and tend to their own wounds with the hopeful acceptance (though with a hint of reluctance) that each mark, each permanent scar serves a higher purpose. These scars represent the conflict, the moral struggle to remain loyal to our Astros through the better, the worse, the richer, the poorer, and through sickness and in health. We hope that eventually the mountaintop will be worth the struggle, the heartache and the scars.

For our team’s good.

The baseball season is upon us, the winter is over, and a new chapter in our Astros history commences – now it is time for our team to pick itself up off the floor.

The pain will go away once the season starts.

Now is the time to heal.

But, truth be told, 2013 could be another long season for our Astros.

But exactly how bad are they?

Will the Astros be the worst team in Major League Baseball? …again?

This guy thinks so. So does Ken Rosenthal. And, so does this douche.

(By the way, Rosenthal, the only way the Astros “will not survive the AL West” is if they get lost somewhere in downtown Oakland between the stadium and their hotel. “Survive?” What the hell does that even mean?)

We know that with the baseball season comes a heaping helping of unrealistic hopes and unreasonable expectations. As we chug down that cold February homestretch and into the burning hot April baseball season, these hopes and expectations are being irresponsibly wielded about like the loose and floppy boobies of a redheaded Pasadena roadhouse bar wench.

“The worst team ever! 150 losses! I’m calling it!”

“Eh, maybe the make the playoffs.”

It is really difficult to gauge how the Astros’ season will unfold, as there are a myriad of unknowns going into this season - more so than any other season that I can recall. They’re moving into a new league, and they have a new manager with new philosophies. They have a DH now and several new players. They have all new competition.

Regardless of how they finish, it is incredibly important for this organization to show the fans (not to mention themselves) that they’re legitimately serious about bringing respectability back to this franchise. This is the proving ground. The Astros need to make an honest effort from an organizational standpoint to show that they’re committed to winning. This means they’re going to need to be competitive throughout the season; they’re going to need to be better than they were last year – this isn’t asking much, this is a task they can (and should) accomplish.

The Astros need to show improvement, progress and some recognizable signs of life. They should be desperate to show that their brand is worth salvaging and that, despite their long history of irresponsible transgressions, they’re worth Houston’s time and money. They need to build and they need to develop, they need pay into the equity the previous regime foolishly fumbled away.

For our team’s good, it is crucial that the Astros change their culture and attitude - immediately. They must reverse their own fortune and refute the laughingstock label that the rest of the baseball community has bestowed upon them. The Astros are an organization of Screeches competing in a Zack Morris and A.C. Slater world. …and, if you’re unaware how Saved By The Bell turned out, Morris got a job on a hit TNT show, Slater is the host of Extra and Screech is doing low-budget porn and hiding crystal meth in the dashboard of his ’92 Ford Tempo. …this does not bode well for the Astros.

With the designation of being the worst team in baseball last year, the Astros have earned the first pick in the first year player draft for the second year in a row. Some would suggest that earning the first pick has its advantages. You know, losing for our team’s good. It means that your team gets the luxury of choosing the top draft eligible player in the country, but it also means that every single team in the league is better than yours.

…like the Cubs.

And, in Screech Powers terms, looking up at the Cubs is the equivalent to walking in on Violet Anne Bickerstaff performing a sex act on Mr. Belding after scorching your eyebrows off using a Bunsen burner.

There is a growing contingency of Astros fans that are actively rooting for the Astros to obtain the first pick in next year’s draft. In other words, they’re rooting for the Astros to have the worst record in baseball… for the third year in a row… for our team’s good. As someone who has devoutly followed the team for as long as I have, I cannot stomach another season of 100 losses. There are few things I hate worse than losing. My God, I really hate losing.

And shame on those people for loving it.

My opinion is that the toxicity of a losing environment significantly outweighs and overwhelms the benefits of losing in order to acquire a higher draft pick. One of guys who follows me on Twitter, ZachMayer14, put it rather eloquently “The draft is a consolation prize for losing, it is not a reward.”

Losing hurts.

Losing should hurt.

Losing is a disease hard to cure… and it is contagious, it spreads like wildfire and gets in your blood. It is a stench you cannot wash off. And, worse, when you build a culture content with losing and when you accept that you’re going to lose, you’re going to act like a loser, you’re going to treat yourself like a loser and you’re going to do the things that losers do. Before you know it, you’ve bought into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you’ve dug yourself a hole that you may never get out of.

Ask the Royals or Pirates about how hard it is to shake a losing culture.

And some fans are willing to take the gamble? Some fans are hoping the Astros finish with the worst record in baseball for a better draft pick? This is for our team’s good?

Simply put: this organization cannot afford to tank baseball games – not from a marketing standpoint, not from a player development standpoint and not for the good of our franchise.

What does losing mean from a marketing standpoint? It means 2013 will be another year where more fans defect to Dallas or decide not to give a damn about the Astros. James from Astros County put the collective fears of many Astros fans into a single tweet. “Houston’s front office is either going to look like revolutionary geniuses, or the reason my kid doesn’t like the Astros.”

Fans are tired of getting coal in their stockings. Fans are tired of losing and Jim Crane, checking the gate numbers, is already scrounging for spare change in his couch cushions. From the top down, this organization has to understand that they’re competing with every other form of entertainment for cold hard cash. The Astros aren’t just competing with the Rangers, they’re competing with prime-time television, movie theatres, the zoo, hanging out at the mall, anything with air conditioning – the Astros are competing with every single option someone can spend their dollar on and the Astros are quickly finding out that they’re going to need to work tirelessly for your interest… and your money. Last year, after another dismal campaign on the field and at the gate, fans proved to the Astros that they were not interested in spending money on a substandard entertainment product. Moving into the American League, where teams typically have significantly lower attendance numbers, the Astros are in real danger of not moving 1.5 million through their gates this year.

…and, if the Astros continue to lose, will it matter if they ever get good again? Once the dust settles and the Astros revive their franchise, will the fans that left come back? Where will Jim Crane’s money come from?

Ask anyone who has ever competed at a high level about winning and losing. Ask Jeff Bagwell or Craig Biggio if they’d ever consider tanking a year, obstructing player development and alienating their fans for the first pick in the draft…

I met Jeff Luhnow. I sat with him during a baseball game. I watched him jump up and down like he had just won the Showcase Showdown when Chris Snyder hit a homerun against the Rockies in Colorado. He’s not the kind of guy who tanks games for draft picks.

After interviewing Bo Porter, Jayne from What The Heck Bobby?, said “I dare one of these guys to tell Bo Porter to his face that the Astros are going to lose over 100 games in 2013.” He would rip their hearts out of their chest. Porter is a competitor. Porter oozes intensity and spits fire. Porter is looking to start his Astros career out with a bang. He’s looking to bust heads open. He doesn’t give a damn about draft picks. He doesn’t give a damn about who the best prospect in 2014 is.

This team is loaded with unproven players who are trying to make a name for themselves. They play a sport that doesn’t have much patience for losing. The heat is on. These guys understand that if they can’t produce at this level, they’re going back to the minor leagues… so they’re hungry to stay in the big leagues. They’re not interested in riding busses and staying at Red Roof Inns for the rest of their lives. They don’t give a damn about the draft picks either.

Bud Norris wants to win.

Lucas Harrell wants to win.

Brandon Barnes wants to win.

Chris Carter, Brad Peacock and Max Stassi want to win.

…and the Astros are acquiring players who are hungry and are committed to performing at a level that’ll keep them in big league uniforms for the long haul.

They aren’t making trades to get worse. They’re making trades to get better. And, with the Lowrie deal, I believe they got better for the 2013 season!

This is for our team’s good.

From a player development standpoint, getting your players into the habit of losing is counterproductive. If the Astros were to get the worst record in baseball, how would they accomplish that task? Chances are, they’ll need another cataclysmic wire-to-wire performance, a run of poor luck and a handful of disappointing players regressing, fizzling out or just-can’t-play-at-this-level. Disappointing. If the Astros lose over 100 games, Jose Altuve likely takes a step back. Perhaps Lucas Harrell shows us that his 2012 performance was a fluke, and he’s unable to replicate any kind of success in 2013. Maybe Bud Norris is the same Bud Norris that he was last year, and maybe J.D. Martinez will prove to us that he will never be able to hit Major League pitching. For 100 losses, it’ll likely be revealed that Jeff Luhnow got toasted in the Wilton Lopez and Jed Lowrie trades and completely missed on Philip Humber, Erik Bedard, Jose Veras and Rick Ankiel.

If the goal is getting back to respectability, this would not be a step in the right direction.

A lot of things have to blow up in the face of the Houston Astros for them to be the worst team in baseball… for the third year in a row – and, for people who are rooting for the first pick in the draft, this is what they’re rooting for. Directly or indirectly, what it boils down to is that they’re rooting for our team to fail miserably and they’re rooting for our team to be embarrassed… in front of a national audience… for the third year in a row.

Where is the fight? Where is the drive to succeed?

They don’t mind being the league’s laughingstock? They are not embarrassed to lose? Where is the shame?

They might as well be wearing a Rangers hat on Opening Day.

Not one single player is going to change the Astros organization. There isn’t a guy who is going to shift the balance of power. One guy isn’t going to be the difference between 100 losses and 100 wins. There isn’t a single player who is going to take the Astros to the World Series by himself. Carlos Correa can’t do it, the guy they draft this year can’t do it and neither can Carlos Rodon.

And who is to say that the first overall pick is going to be worth tanking for? The leader in the clubhouse is Carlos Rodon, but how can we be sure that he doesn’t turn out like Kris Benson or Bryan Bullington? The Twins were just a mere Altuve away from drafting Mark Prior. Prior was considered “the best college pitching prospect since Tom Seaver.” “We could have flipped a coin,” said Twins GM, Terry Ryan. Prior would have likely been the selection had his father not been so vocal about Mark not wanting to play for the Twins. So the Twins ended up selecting Joe Mauer, and the Cubs took Prior. Mauer ended up being a perennial All-Star and Prior’s shoulder looks like a plate of rotten spaghetti.

There are no sure bets in the draft.

The counterargument points to the Washington Nationals. There has been plenty of speculation that they tanked in order to draft Bryce Harper. While I haven’t heard any legitimate speculation that they tanked for Stephen Strasburg (who like Prior was highly regarded and like Prior has a history of arm trouble in his brief career), the speculation around Harper is being laid on pretty thick and has some real legs to it. However, I’ll point to two things out to those wanting the Astros to follow the Nationals strategy:

1.) The Nationals haven’t won jack. …ever.

2.) Teams picking at the top of the draft do not typically go on to win the World Series.

Since 1992, there are only three teams to win a World Series after having the first pick in the draft. And, only two of the first overall picks since 1992 have World Series rings.

The Marlins selected Adrian Gonzalez first overall fin 2000 and won the World Series in 2003. (Gonzalez’s contribution to the Marlins World Series victory was that he was traded for Ugueth Urbina in 2003. Gonzalez never suited up for the Fish.)

The Phillies selected Pat Burrell first overall in 1998 and won the World Series in 2008. (Pat Burrell hit .250 and had 33 homeruns for the 2008 Phillies, which turned out to be his last year in Philadelphia.)

The Angels selected Darin Erstad first overall in 1995 and won the World Series in 2002. (Erstad was a key contributor for the Angels when they won the World Series in 2002.)

It doesn’t take much time – go look at Baseball-Reference, check out the past first overall picks since the advent of the MLB draft, and you will notice that there is a direct correlation between who is picking first overall and how these teams typically perform year in and year out. Teams with winning traditions, with World Series rings, do not typically pick first overall… and, when they do pick first overall, it is once and then they’re making efforts to compete again.

…and they do compete again.

…meanwhile, many Astros fans are hoping that Luhnow Claus slides down the chimney and places “the worst record in baseball” designation under our Christmas trees… even though we got the same crap last year and the year before that.

For our team’s good?

It doesn’t make any sense to me.

Winning requires a team effort. The Astros standard of winning, their standard of success, requires a collaborative effort between every single aspect of the organization – from Jim Crane down to Jeff Luhnow to Jose Altuve to Mike Fast, to the announcers, accountants, the Director of Butterfingers and Kit Kat Sciences, tour guides, hobo saxophone players, Orbit, grounds crew and anyone else who sees an Astros logo on their paycheck. And, while there are many different ways to skin a cat, to build a winning baseball organization, the equation is not very complicated - the Astros are going to have to make smart, savvy business decisions, and they’re going to have to continue to put an emphasis on player development.

They must field a team worth watching.

The people rooting for the first pick need to decide how they feel about Jeff Luhnow and the direction of this organization. If you’re rooting for the Astros to get the first pick, that seems like a pretty serious indictment on how you feel about Luhnow’s abilities and qualifications. They need to determine whether or not Luhnow is competent, qualified and capable of constructing a winning organization without having to rely on the first pick in the draft. Does Luhnow need the first pick in the draft every year? For our team’s good? From what I’ve seen, Jeff Luhnow is a very intelligent baseball man and I am convinced that he can operate this franchise in a fashion to which they can win at the big league level while making draft selections in any slot, any position and any round that will greatly benefit the long term success of the Houston Astros. Teams can win and reload at the same time - the Astros shouldn’t have to choose one over the other.

The Astros are not the worst team in baseball. And they’re going to prove it.

Bo Porter will prove it.

Jose Altuve will prove it.

Lucas Harrell will prove it.

Jeff Luhnow, Kevin Goldstein, Sig Mejdal, Mike Fast, Stephanie Wilka and Oz Ocampo will prove it.

For our team’s good.

Our team is good.

The void is almost over and, like a bunch of school kids; we’re clinching the sides of our desks and waiting for the bell to ring. We’re ready for the season to start. We’re ready for the Astros to get back to their winning ways. We’re ready to run down those halls, bust out of those double doors and into our freedom.

Sweet.

Green, sunny, sunflower-spittin’, Baseball Christmas.

Go Astros.

Three Reasons Why I am Accepting Realignment to the American League

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 10:03:00 -0500

by Stephen

Promote the new idea of Astros-elitism^TMThink about it guys….aren’t we all tired of being “picked on” as Astros fans? What better way to shiny up the old Chevy than with a fresh new coat of AL-DH paint? We can be the Aggies of the MLB. I mean, truth be told, the AL is like the SEC of baseball, right? Talk to any East or West coast AL-only snob and you get some form of, “Oh how nice….you guys still let the pitcher hit? Bet you enjoy reading your newspaper every morning and finding this restaurant with a little help from your key maps… let me guess? You prefer your sitcoms the classy way… where the Mom and Dad sleep in two different bedrooms, right?” (It’s going to be so awesome to drop some AL-only, holier than thou, SEC-type vernacular on Cards and Cubs fan now!)

I mean…..the AL is the league of Hollywood guys. Do you see any awesome flicks based on the Brewers or the Braves? NO! Yet the vaunted Red Sox got a Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore rom-com and the Moneyball A’s got an Oscar contending Brad Pitt/Phillip Seymour Hoffman drama (Wait a minute… maybe being a mediocre AL West team IS actually “where it’s at”). I’m just saying guys, welcome to the era where hitting the town in your Astros gear means being treated to superior AL-only dinner parties, Hollywood mixers, and “Designated Hitter” swinger invites.

The NL gets Mr. 3000.

Late Games
Hold on Stephen… I thought you and other Astros fans have been complaining about the late West Coast start times for months now?

True, but let’s just say this Astros fan is starting to rethink things a bit… see, I’m in the same boat maybe many of you are in right now - the S.S. Parenthood. This of course means fewer trips to live sporting events, less pressure from parents to procreate, and less ability to sit down quietly at 7:05 and enjoy the sweet intricacies of America’s pastime. I can’t lie….I’m starting to think it sounds pretty sweet to be able to sit down at 9:05 for my usual first minutes of living room silence (usually with a jar of peanut butter and some form of chocolate) and flipping on CSNHouston (yep - I’ll be one of the 3 people watching live games this year!) and finding out Lucas Harrell hasn’t even fired his first pitch on the way to another shutout! Sure, my kids will be missing out on a few years of Astrodoctrination^TM, BUT how cool of a Dad will I be in a few short years when I let them stay up with Dad on a school night (for a small peanut butter tax) as long as the Astros keep it within 10 runs (come on you NL’ers…..with the DH you’re never out of it. SUPERIOR GAME! Get with the times!)?????

Separate the REAL Fans
Oh you thought it used to be easy to identify the wayward souls during a Cubs or Cardinals series? PLEASE….I’ve been to MMP for Red Sox, Rangers, AND Yankees……just wait till you see the AL “die-hards” infiltrate the juice box. My personal favorite is “Guy who wears one team’s jersey but the other team’s hat”. You know what I mean, he’s got his brand new orange-billed Astros hat perfectly accentuated by a Derek Jeter pinstriped #2 (I’d like to personally take a “#2” on his wardrobe). Get on board now or get off, because we won’t be letting anyone who owns Red Sox, Yankees, or Rangers gear into the mob in 2025 after we beat Milwaukee in the WS and angrily head to Mordor to desecrate the grave of Bud Selig.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some NL friends to demean and laugh condescendingly at…

-Stephen

The Blinders of Fools: A Defense of Jeff Bagwell (as posted on Jeff Pearlman's Blog)

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 10:38:29 -0500

We have about two days until we find out whether Jeff Bagwell will FINALLY punch his ticket to Cooperstown. Although, some are already preparing for the worst, I hold out a little hope that logic rules the day and Bagwell finds a way to sneak in. Meanwhile, baseless PED talks surrounding Bagwell are becoming more and more prevalent. A few weeks ago, Jeff Pearlman, who has been adamant about Bagwell’s guilt, asked me to write a piece for his blog defending Bagwell.

I obliged.

Here’s the link

I recommend visit the link and making a comment or two. Make a point about Jeff Bagwell. Argue. Fight.

Defend Jeff Bagwell.

-Andy

THE BLINDERS OF FOOLS: A DEFENSE OF JEFF BAGWELL

Jeff Pearlman would have had an extremely difficult time finding a worse person to defend Jeff Bagwell. First off, I’m not a writer and I have a very difficult time putting my thoughts into words without employing a barrage of obscenities or insults. I lack a degree of eloquence and the ability to have a disagreement without shattering a vase or slamming a door shut. Secondly, I’m a diehard Astros fan. And, as a result, I’m a diehard Jeff Bagwell fan. Jeff Bagwell’s rookie season coincided with my “baseball awakening.” Bagwell played a huge role in my becoming a baseball fan—and, more important, an Astros fan. In Little League, much to my father’s chagrin, I (regrettably) imitated Bagwell’s awkward batting stance and tucked my pant legs into my high top Nike cleats.

Jeff Pearlman is aware that I am an Astros fan. He’s aware that I’m a Jeff Bagwell fan. He’s aware that I think Bagwell was clean. So, yeah, full disclosure: I have a dog in the fight.

But Jeff Pearlman still invited me to contribute without condition.

So, here I am (On a side note, I would like to express my gratitude to Jeff Pearlman for this forum to express my thoughts. Although I vehemently disagree with Pearlman on Bagwell, I appreciate the opportunity that he afforded me to allow me post my opinions here).

On statistics alone, we should all agree that there is absolutely no reasonable argument that can be made denying Bagwell’s entry into the Hall of Fame. That’s a given. Love him or hate him, his statistics prove that he was one of the premier first basemen during his era and one of the best first basemen of all time—but we’re not debating his eligibility based on his statistics. What has kept Jeff Bagwell out of the Hall of Fame is a growing suspicion that his herculean numbers are a direct result of steroid use.

Steroids? I’m not buying it.

To date, I cannot recall any evidence being presented suggesting Jeff Bagwell took steroids. I cannot recall a single person coming forward to out Jeff Bagwell. I haven’t heard of any dirty needles that were located. I haven’t seen any copies of checks or receipts of purchase. I didn’t even see Jeff Bagwell’s name on the Mitchell Report.

Despite two decades of opportunity, there has been no legitimate or credible substantiation of allegations of PED use by Jeff Bagwell.

Bagwell retired in 2006 and thus became eligible for the Hall of Fame in 2011. The townspeople who are trying to burn Goody Bagwell at the stake have had ample time to present a case against Bagwell, and they’ve come up with nothing. No evidence.

How many more rocks need to be turned? How many more “look at how big he got over the years” conversations must we have? How many conversations have to start with, “I have no proof, but …”

I could understand the argument against Bagwell had someone—anyone—come forward and said they knew of Bagwell juicing. I could understand the argument if Bagwell was named in the Mitchell Report—but there’s nothing there. There isn’t any evidence.

“But, there was a huge intricate cover-up involving every single person who ever came in contact with Jeff Bagwell while he was juicing.” Let’s be realistic—we’re giving baseball players entirely too much credit. These guys aren’t exactly the Gambino crime family. I have a Twitter account, and I can come up with hundreds of examples, almost daily, of athletes blabbing information that is against their own best interests. I have a hard time believing that Jeff Bagwell took steroids and no one said a single word. …not a single word.

Players talk. We’ve had a host of do-gooder whistleblowers and a parade of unenlightened bonehead scumbags point fingers at every Tom, Dick and Harry under the sun … except no one has pointed at Jeff Bagwell.

Pearlman called the Astros clubhouse “crawling with PED”—yet, for some inexplicable reason, no one could find any evidence to nail the franchise’s most popular player. They couldn’t find an ounce of evidence to make an example out of Bagwell as none of the supposed legitimate concrete evidence ever “crawled” its way out the door. There isn’t even enough credible evidence to warrant speculation.

Actually, a former athlete has spoken up in regards to Jeff Bagwell’s supposed steroid use. In Bagwell’s defense, former teammate Morgan Ensberg Tweeted, “I think he’s clean. No one has accused him, either.” Here’s another example of Ensberg defending Bagwell.

Jeff Bagwell played his last full season of baseball in 2004. Through severe shoulder pain, Bagwell mustered up 123 plate appearances in 2005, including taking a few agonizing cuts in his only World Series appearance. He was 36 in 2005—which, by today’s standards, means he would have likely had a few more years of sticking around and earning a Big League paycheck. Instead, he officially retired in 2006. It seems to me that a ‘roiding Bagwell would have gone the Andy Pettitte route and loaded himself full of juice in hopes of healing his shoulder, prolonging his career and not having to go Ol’ Yeller on his aspirations of hitting his 500^thjack.

At 36, his declined productivity and eventual retirement, is on par with many pre-steroid era Hall of Famers. It isn’t as if Bagwell was in the prime of his career as he was pushing 40.

And I’m not sure why Jeff Bagwell is under suspicion while the public allows others to slide. What exactly dictates who is and who isn’t under investigation? We let guys like Andre Dawson, Roberto Alomar and Barry Larkin in, and we’re not 100 percent sure what drugs they did or didn’t take while they played. I’ll be really interested to see how this affects Derek Jeter’s candidacy once he retires and becomes Hall of Fame eligible. Derek Jeter has played with admitted users like Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Jim Leyritz, Alex Rodriguez and Gary Sheffield. Jeter has played with several guys on the Mitchell Report. Jeter is 38 and coming off one of the best seasons of his career—how is he above suspicion if we’re using the same cockamamie line of reasoning to crucify Jeff Bagwell?

For the record, I don’t believe Derek Jeter, Andre Dawson, Roberto Alomar or Barry Larkin used steroids—but, if we’re convicting Bagwell without evidence, we should at least entertain the possibility that Jeter used too, right?

And what about Albert Pujols? Or John Smoltz? Or Randy Johnson? Are they guilty, too?

Without any evidence, we have to either convict them all or not convict any of them.

We cannot go around convicting folks of something without a single morsel of evidence—there isn’t even any reasonable speculation. I would rather be proven wrong by voting for Jeff Bagwell and finding out he used than not to vote for Bagwell and find out that he didn’t. Essentially, we’re left looking for evidence that we’re not sure even exists to convict someone of something we’re not even sure they did.

… and nothing is uncovered.

… and time marches on.

From the sidelines, it is one cheap potshot after another. Everyone has an opinion but no one can or is willing to provide anything to back it up. It should make any reasonable person’s brain hurt.

Pearlman accused me of wearing “the blinders of fools” because I insist on Bagwell’s innocence. But if I go along with his line of reasoning, wouldn’t I be blindly following Pearlman because he hasn’t provided any legitimate evidence proving Bagwell’s guilt?

“The blinders of fools”? I’m not sure what that even means.

I will proudly wear “the blinders of fools” if that means that I don’t have to run someone’s name through the mud without having any evidence—but we have to assume that unless Pearlman is withholding “the dirty needle,” then, he too, is wearing “the blinders of fools.”

Houston is easy to pick on—I get it. We’re overlooked when it comes time for the Super Bowl, our basketball titles came in Jordan-less years and we even got passed over when the government doled out the space shuttles … even though we’re Space City. We’re used to it. As an Astros fan, my team has had two consecutive 100-loss seasons and is going through a very unpopular demotion into the junior circuit. Rival newspaper rags cleverly declare “Houston, You Have A Problem” as the losses mount. And things are looking worse for 2013. We’re used to it.

That being said, there is not a doubt in my mind that most of the suspicion surrounding Jeff Bagwell is a result of him being a member of the Houston Astros—a city and an organization that the rest of the country really doesn’t give a damn about. If Bagwell played for the Yankees, he would have already been enshrined. But Bagwell played for the Astros. Picking on Houston and picking on Jeff Bagwell is the easiest route and a lot of credible people with plenty of sway are using Bagwell and these unfounded/disrespectful steroid allegations as a platform to make themselves larger than the game they cover. They’re trying to make an example, and Jeff Bagwell is in the wrong place at the wrong time—and that is a damn shame. And, all the while, the National Baseball Hall of Fame is wrestling with its legitimacy—not because of steroids, but because of a collection of witch-hunting sportswriters who would rather see their own names in their own newspapers than perform a job they were entrusted to do.

This isn’t about selling books or keeping the newspaper industry alive—this is about writers irresponsibly wiping their holier-than-thou butts with another man’s legacy for the simple fact that they can, and no one is stopping them from doing it. They have the right and they have the platform—and our only defense is to choose not to read it.

If we find out that Bagwell is guilty and Pearlman is right, then let’s grill Bagwell’s ass. Let’s run him through town and tar and feather his ‘roiding ass. I will be the first person in line because I’ve come to his defense more times than I care to mention, and, God, I hate looking foolish.

I defend Bagwell because I believe him. And if it turns out that Bagwell is screwing me, then to hell with him.

I believe Jeff Bagwell.

I realize my arguments are stale. You can Google “Jeff Bagwell Steroids” and find 20 different articles written by twenty different authors who are making the same tired old argument that I’m making right now. This isn’t breaking news. I’m not saying anything new or enlightening—but neither is the counterargument. We’re playing tug-o-war with the truth and no one seems to want to budge. We’re at an impasse.

So it is time for those who are accusing Bagwell to step forward and reveal what they know. This has become an exercise in futility, and, as cliché as it sounds, it is time to put up or shut up. If you’re going to say that Bagwell used, you must provide evidence. M-U-S-T. Writers are making these types of accusations without stating any facts whatsoever or providing any evidence whatsoever and then rolling their eyes at the rest of us because some people choose not to take their word as gospel. These are serious allegations and no one cares to elaborate any further on “trust me, he did it.” … and I am the one wearing “the blinders of fools” because I require a little more than that? If writers are going to say something that trashes someone’s legacy, they should say what they know and stick their name to it—there isn’t any other acceptable way to do it. Period. They should attach their legacy to it. There has been plenty of time, more than enough, to develop any sort of case against Jeff Bagwell, and no one has come forward with any reasonable evidence.

None. Zero.

And, until someone does, we have to assume that Jeff Bagwell was clean.

Tomorrow's Headlines: A Space City Celebration

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 10:15:00 -0500

Editor’s note: I’ve read a few 2013 previews, but I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to write a newspaper article for a date that is less than five years away. After the last few months, I just wanted to write something positive. I really feel like good news is on the horizon. The Astros are getting better. The rain is over.

The Astros are turning this around.

I hope you guys enjoy this.

-Andy

Dedicated to Mike Fast

31 Oct 2017

A Space City Celebration: The Crawford Street Kids Clinch Series in Six!

Cascades of orange and navy blue confetti fell from the Minute Maid Park rafters, deafening music blared from the public address system and all of downtown Houston collectively and gleefully roared as closer, Joe Musgrove, struck out Jeff Kobernus to put the finishing touches on a game six shutout win. A colossal “Houston: You Have A Championship” banged, blinked and bounced in shades of Astros orange and blue on the video board. Jason Castro darted to the mound to collect his pitcher as the rest of the team crashed into them from the field, dugout and bullpen in a celebratory assemblage of youthful jubilation.

2017 was a year of triumph for the Houston Astros as they claimed their first World Series Championship in franchise history. In only their second playoff appearance as a member of the American League, Houston defeated the Washington Nationals in six games on Monday to clinch the series.

At 101 wins in 2017, this is the second time in franchise history that the Houston Astros have won over 100 games, and this was their first World Series appearance since being the National League representative 12 years ago.

After dethroning Mike Trout and the Los Angeles Angels for the American League pennant, the Astros and Nationals split the first four games of the 2017 Fall Classic. However, after the Astros decisive 11-3 game five victory in our nation’s capital, momentum swung in the good guys’ favor as they travelled home for game six.

Jordan Lyles and a few timely hits brought the series to a close and sent the Astros into the history books.

“This is probably the greatest day of my life. Seriously. All of the hard work and preparation finally paid off. I know realignment was unpopular and I took some heat. But National League or American League? It doesn’t matter. We had to beat everyone, and we did!” stated Jim Crane at the postgame press conference. Crane purchased the team in 2011 and, along with general manager, Jeff Luhnow, ushered in a new philosophy in regards to building a baseball team.

A champagne-soaked Luhnow was seen in the locker room celebrating with his team, “People say it has to do with sabermetrics, but, I gotta say, it is simple math. You add 25 hard-working guys, add them all in one uniform and multiply by one goal and that equals a World Series win for Houston!”

Jonathan Singleton, who was given a long-term contract in April and has become “Homerton” to the Houston faithful, was awarded the World Series MVP after pulverizing Nationals pitching to the tune of three homeruns and eleven RBI in what many are calling “one of the best postseasons of all time.” Singleton hopped over the railing along the first base line and celebrated the victory with the fans. Soaked with soda and covered in popcorn, Singleton yelled, “Thank you! Thank you for sticking with us! I love you all!”

“I feel like I’m 6 feet tall,” joked Jose Altuve, who won a batting title in the last game of the regular season. “Okay, maybe five nine.”

“I was on the team when they lost 106 games, and I was on the team that lost 107 games, I was just a kid. But, now, I am on the team that won the World Series! Thank God I’m an Astro!” said a visibly emotional Jordan Lyles.

Lyles, who went 8 innings while giving up 5 hits and striking out 4, came out hot as he struck out the first batter of the game and gave up two weak groundballs to the left side to retire the side. “I was nervous. There’s no hiding that. But that first guy really set the tone for me. I felt like this was destiny.” The only real trouble Lyles got into was a double from NL MVP shoe-in Bryce Harper to lead off the 6^th inning. Roger Clemens came out to talk to him, and Lyles proceeded to retire the next two batters and then was the beneficiary of a highlight reel Matt Dominguez snag and throw that closed out the inning.

“No, I wasn’t concerned Bo was gonna pull him. Lyles is a tough guy, a veteran and he knows how to get himself out of trouble. He did it again tonight. How about that pick by Matt D?” said Clemens.

“Roger has been a blessing to this organization ever since he retired from playing in 2013,” Luhnow chimed in, “not too many guys have his knowledge or expertise when it comes to pitching.”

The Astros got on the board quick in the first inning when leftfielder, DeLino DeSheilds Jr., beat out an infield single and stole second. He advanced to third on a groundout by Jose Altuve and was knocked in on a George Springer double.

“I just closed my eyes and swung the bat. Things happen, I guess. Baseballs end up in the gap, and folks end up getting World Series rings,” laughed Springer.

Singleton contributed in a big way in the fourth inning when he hit a no doubter 430 feet solo shot over the centerfield fence. Clang! The ball scuffed the flagpole, which stands about 30 feet beyond the centerfield fence. The crowd roared as Singleton rounded the bases and the giant Minute Maid space shuttle soared its way along the stadium wall. “The grand slam in game five felt great, but this one is indescribable.”

“The way Lyles was pitching, I knew that Jon’s homerun was enough to win the game,” said team captain, Jason Castro.

The bottom of the 6^th inning started with a little controversy as Domingo Santana smoked a fastball into left field. The replay clearly showed that the leftfielder, Brian Goodwin, had trapped the ball on one hop, but the outfield umpire, Allen Selig III, declared it a clean catch and Santana was retired. From the dugout, a fiery Porter shot out like a cannon to argue the call and was in danger to get ejected, but cooler heads prevailed, and Porter made it back to safety of his perch without having to hand the reins to bench coach, Lance Berkman.

The Astros got on the board again when Carlos Correa started out the 8^th inning with a single and Nolan Fontana moved Correa into scoring position when he took his base after Lucas Giolito couldn’t convert on a full count. Brett Wallace came in to pinch hit for Jason Castro and took a Giolito curveball down the rightfield line and scored Correa and Fontana.

“That Giolito kid is good. He cleaned our clocks in game two. He just didn’t have his stuff tonight,” Porter said of the Nationals rookie. “But this night is about the Houston Astros.”

Lyles came out in the top of the 9^th, but quickly gave up a single to Anthony Rendon and was pulled by Porter. “He had triple digits, and he looked tired. His arm must have felt like one of Wally’s legs. I wanted to let him finish it, and I know the kid wanted to stay out there. But I knew Joe could end this. Jordan’s a competitor. Jordan Lyles is a fighter.”

Joe Musgrove, who was just recently converted into the Astros closer, quickly dispatched the next three batters and pandemonium ensued. “I was a starter in San Antonio last year, wondering if I’d ever make it out of AAA. I never imagined that’d I’d be shutting the door and wrapping up a World Series for the Astros. This is awesome!”

“Musgrove has been outstanding. We knew we were getting something when we traded for him in 2012. We just had to be patient. And we were. It has paid off,” Luhnow said after the game.

Hall of Famers, Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio, who threw out ceremonial first pitches in game one, were in attendance. “You know, at times, I wondered if I would ever live to see the day. Things were bad,” Biggio clichéd, “This team has come a long way – it – it’s just amazing. This was a complete team effort. They played hard, and they just did the best they could. They left it all out on the field. They let the chips fall where they may. They didn’t take any wooden nickels. They took it one day at a time.”

“I’m so happy for Jimmy and Jeffy,” Bagwell said, “the guys who have been here, Jordy, Matty, Bretty, Rhinery and Jose-y, these guys went through hell. Bidgey, Brad-y, Lance-y and me, we’re all proud.”

Earlier last week, Major League Baseball announced that Oklahoma City and Anaheim were being awarded expansion franchises, when asked about it at the press conference, Jim Crane got a few chuckles and groans from the media when he said, “Who knows, maybe in a few years, we’ll win the World Series as the National League representatives. Let’s just celebrate as the American League representatives tonight!”

Houston Mayor Andre Johnson declared November 2^nd as Houston Astros Day and a downtown parade is scheduled at noon on Wednesday.

The Houston Astros: A Year in Pictures

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 11:26:55 -0500

by Andy

2012 was a long year, but we made a whole bunch of memories. Let’s take a look back at some of the pictures that made 2012 so memorable.

We constructed the All Give a Sh** Team. Brandon Backe got a spot in the starting rotation. Randy Johnson, Mike Hampton, Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell and Bill Spiers got spots, too.

The year started out with a lot of speculation on where Wandy Rodriguez would be traded. Months later, he ended up being dealt to Pittsburgh for Colton Cain, Robbie Grossman and Rudy Owens.

We hooked the Dallas Rangers up with a brand new logo. Maybe in 2013, Nolan Ryan will shed that selfish “Texas” from the front of his team.

There was a lot of talk about Roy Oswalt possibly signing with the Astros. They were bad for one another but I speculated that these two could have a mutually beneficial relationship.

The Astros were going to wear their old Colt .45 jerseys without the Colt .45 - pretty ridiculous, huh? Cooler heads prevailed.

Here’s a picture of Ed Wade’s great great grandpappy.

Jeff Luhnow looks a little weird in this picture. Before he was hired by the Astros, he ran a casino… the Algiers, I think. Anyway, what’s up with his extra long neck?

Ronald Reagan wearing a Rangers hat. He might as well be wearing a hammer and sickle logo. But, there are a lot of defections these days… Bush next?

I found this x-rated picture of Carlos Lee on a Carlos Lee themed pornographic website. Don’t ask me why I Googled “Carlose Lee Themed Pornographic Websites,” just enjoy the picture and try not to think about it.

If you can train a cat to poop in a toilet, you can train Matt Downs to block a throw to first.

Fans in Houston were “Gaga” over Jeff Luhnow. We speculated about trades, but ultimately couldn’t read his poker face. His p-p-p-poker face. I had a whole Lady Gaga themed Astros post, you’re not getting that anywhere else. …thankfully.

This next picture is scary.

I met Jeff Luhnow in Denver. He let me sit with him for a little while. We talked about our lives, our dreams, where we thought we’d be in five years, girls we liked at school. When I left, we gave me his M&Ms. It was kind of like Astros communion. What a nice guy!

The Astros had the first pick in the draft. They took Carlos Correa. Bud Selig was ~~drunk~~ unimpressed. Carlton Korea, Bud? Really?

As the trade deadline approached, half of the team was thought to be on the move. I sometimes think of the Astros as a really awesome 90’s boy band. Carlos Lee was Joey Fatone. …get it? Fatone? Fat one. Carlos Lee was the fat one? No?

I listened to a lot of Boyz II Men in 2012 - more specifically, this one. Here’s my Astros Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, Footer and Deshaies moved on from the organization. Come back, Jimmy. Come back, Alyson.

Carlos Lee was traded to the Marlins on Independence Day. He was dealt for Rob Rasmussen and Matt Dominguez. Rasmussen was then traded to the Dodgers for John Ely. Carlos Lee is currently a free agent. I thought I read a headline that said he signed an 8 year deal with the Japanese League’s Nippon Ham Fighters on Christmas. But, I read the headline wrong, it said “Carlos Lee signed for and ate a Ham on Christmas.”

We compared Jose Altuve to Josh Hamilton. Jose Altuve won in just about every comparison. Maybe I should find a picture of Hamilton in an Angels uniform?

The force is strong in this one.

So, the Astros traded a lot of guys… it was hard figuring out who was who.

Rusty Hardin got Roger Clemens off the hook. Clemens eventually wrote a book and Andy Pettitte wrote the foreword.

I really don’t know what was going on when I took this picture. It really didn’t turn out so hot, but I tried - I really really tried… notice the beauty mark?

“Kissing their sisters and going to monster truck rallies.” *opens up the envelope* “What are Rangers fans doing this off season?”

Roger Clemens making a return to Houston? Well, he made it as far as Sugar Land. It’ll be interesting to see if he attempts a comeback in 2013.

What a terrible show Sullivan & Son is.

Jeff Luhnow hasn’t gotten scammed in free agency. This is obviously another picture that was just mailed in. Jeff Luhnow looks more like a little boy than an old lady.

The Astros new logo was released… slowly over a period of about a month. Prince purchased a hat… from Academy… about a month before the logo was released.

Stepbrothers.

An old friend sent me a Thanksgiving card. I gotta admit, Brett Wallace looks delicious in this picture.

The Astros look for a little role reversal in 2013.

I saw a video of a baby being stolen by an eagle. Immediately, I panicked. The Astros need to consider a plan to make Minute Maid Park into an “Eagle Free” environment. Let’s keep Altuve safe.

Luhnow Claus?

2012 was fun. But, I hope we have the time of our lives in 2013… maybe with a big Houston Hall of Fame party!

Happy New Years, folks! Thanks for reading.

- Andy

Not Without a Fight

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 09:18:50 -0500

(I sat on this particular post a lot longer than I usually do. I read it over and over again. (And, no, I still didn’t catch the grammar mistakes.) I wanted to make sure that this was what I really wanted to say. I edited it. I rewrote it. I took a few things out and added a few things in. I might have been a bit insulting and I might have been a tad bit accusatory. I am passionate about the subject and I wanted this to be a powerful piece. Above all, I wanted to be fair. I hope I’m being fair. – A)

Not Without a Fight

by Andy

It may have been Shaft, my old boss or an angry ex-girlfriend, but somewhere someone once told me, “I might have to break you down, but I’ll never let you down.”

And, after the last twelve months of being an Astros fan – I’m officially broken down.

…and officially let down.

Beaten.

Yet, through it all, I’m still passionate about the Astros. I enjoy watching them play. I enjoy going to the games. I enjoy wearing their logo. I enjoy talking about them to friends. I enjoy speculating about their plans. I enjoy writing about them on my blog.

I enjoy the Astros.

I mean that.

If I didn’t like the Astros, I wouldn’t waste my time on this blog.

However, I still reserve the right to be critical. I am critical when they lose. I am critical when they’re unprepared. I am critical when they make poor decisions. Being a fan doesn’t mean that you have to whistle and clap when your team is losing.

My criticism comes from a place of love - Astros, losing bothers me.

I hate losing.

However, the Astros aren’t just losing in the field. They’re losing in the stands too. And, at this time, it doesn’t appear that they have an effective plan to resolve this issue.

Over the last year, I have been more critical of the Astros than ever. I’ve gotten mad. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve gotten livid. And just when I think I can’t possibly take anymore – I get even angrier.

Clearly, this is not a healthy relationship.

But now that the dust has settled and I look back over the last year of Astros baseball, anger has given way to worry. And worry has given way to fear.

Yet, gratefully, fear has not quite given way to resentment or, even worse, indifference. I will always be an Astros fan. But I am no longer critical. I am scared. I’m genuinely scared of what’s happening to my team - our team.

I’m worried about the direction of this franchise. I’m worried about what they’ll be like down the road – in two years or five years or ten years. Are the Astros setting themselves up for “sustained success?”

Who are these guys? What have they done with our Astros? Why aren’t they putting up a fight?

Since Drayton McLane sold the team to Jim Crane, things have gone from very bad to a lot worse. While I feel the organization is making significant headway in acquiring young talent, I have grave concerns about whether the Astros have the ability to create a culture of “sustained success.” That seems to be the common motif spoken amidst the midnight afterglow of their business-de-jour defections.

“Sustained Success?”

Honestly, I’m not sure what Jim Crane means by “sustained success.”

And that has me worried.

Instead of being angry over the Astros latest blunder – Astros fans are left to wonder what could possibly be next? What will the new regime do next to alienate themselves from their fan base? Whether it is the series of suspect realignment stories, the obscene Community “Partners” signage or jettisoning any remnants from the McLane era, Crane’s regime seems much more interested in creating their own standard of irresponsibility than surpassing the standard set forth by the previous regime. How will the Astros widen the gap between fan expectations and competent ownership?

And, sadly, it doesn’t seem like the organization gives a damn. Because when you send them questions or comments, they, in turn, give you this: “Thank you for write, we will take you comment into consideration.” (By the way, it was pretty disheartening to see Brian McTaggart call out Brian Stevenson for “botching” Deshaies’ name. It is as if he completely missed the point.)

I am worried that the Astros are sliding down the slippery slope out of significance and into deep dark hollows of irrelevance. They’re focus-grouping their way into the Land of Lost Toys. I’m worried that the Astros are becoming the Indians, Orioles or A’s. Jeff Luhnow is building an exciting team, but will anyone care when the Astros finally make it back to prominence?

Who will be left to cheer for the hometown team?

It seems Jim Crane has a plan. He is gambling on your fickleness. He is gambling that he’ll be able to make poor and unpopular decisions, but if the team starts winning – you’ll come back. And, in my opinion, that is a bet he is going to lose – big time.

Jim Crane has hired an outstanding staff of brilliant baseball people. Jeff Luhnow, David Stearns, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Fast, Oz Ocampo and the rest of the crew will build a respectable on-field product – players that we can be proud of! I firmly believe a winner is being constructed in Houston. And, when that day comes, Crane will ask you all to bury the hatchet and come back to witness the excitement of Astros baseball. But in light of how he’s currently doing business, his invitation might just fall on deaf ears. Perhaps someone will say, “Thank you for ask, we will take you comment into consideration.”

After the ink dried, after the money exchanged hands and Crane took the keys, almost immediately the Astros were unceremoniously (and suspiciously) demoted into the American League. We were told that Major League Baseball wanted to “even out the leagues” and “cultivate an interstate rivalry with the Texas Rangers.” And, now, while dejected Astros fans are currently attempting to muster up manufactured hatred for the Rangers, Jim Crane has, directly or indirectly, cast himself as the willing accomplice to Nolan’s Nine rather than the heated rival.

Crane appears to be comfortable as Robin to Ryan’s Batman.

Since purchasing the Rangers, Nolan Ryan has been decidedly deliberate with his plans to snuff out our Astros. Ryan came out guns blazin’, looking for a fight. Over the last few years, Ryan has changed Round Rock’s affiliation from the Astros to the Rangers. He played a role in realigning the Astros into his American League West. Ryan is committed to broadening his market. His team is playing exhibition games against Mexican League teams. His team is playing an exhibition game against the San Diego Padres in San Antonio’s Alamodome. And, Ryan’s team was named Topps 2012 “Baseball Organization of the Year.”

Meanwhile in Houston, the Astros are coming off their second “worst season in franchise history.” They’re embarking on a widely unpopular move into the American League. They’re putting up ridiculous signage. They’re running off anyone from the last regime regardless of whether they’re worth a damn or not. They cannot guarantee that their games will be televised on many cable providers, and they let their popular broadcaster walk away without putting up much of a fight.

The Rangers sold exactly 3,460,280 tickets in 2012, which averages out to 42,719 fans per game last year.

Meanwhile in Houston, the Astros averaged exactly 19,848 fans per game in 2012 and sold 1,607,733 tickets. The Rangers had over twice as many fans attend their games in 2012 as the Astros did – that should be an alarming statistic for the Houston Astros.

Don’t be surprised if the Rangers outsell the Astros in 2013 by over 2 million tickets.

Out of 30 teams, the Astros were 28^th in attendance in 2012. Only Cleveland and Tampa Bay fared worse. Division rivals Seattle and Oakland were 26^th and 27^th. As a matter of fact, the American League brought up the rear in 2012 as they took all 8 of the last 8 spots in average home attendance.

The American League consists of a few teams feasting while the rest famine. There is hardly any middle ground. The Rangers are feasting, and the Astros - grab a bowl and get in line.

Don’t feel bad for those eight teams, those bottom-feeders; the owners are still making money hand over fist.

The American League is a far weaker league. However, many erroneously believe that the Astros will benefit from having “meaningful” games against the Rangers, Yankees and Red Sox – but what they’re failing to recognize is that for every single “meaningful” game they play against those teams, they’ll play four times as many “meaningful” games against teams that no one cares about. Baseball teams cannot attain “sustained success” by nestling the teat of better-run organizations. In no way can Jim Crane create an environment of “sustained success” by acting like a cuckold holding a video camera, while Nolan Ryan wines and dines the people Crane calls “Astros fans.”

All the while, shirts and hats with Rangers’ logos are moving out the door in local sporting goods stores.

The Astros have been getting their butts kicked by the Texas Rangers since day one. And, these two haven’t even taken the field for a single divisional game. Jim Crane is the “I’m just lucky to be here” wrestling jobber. He’s in the ring, but he’s serving the sole purpose of getting beaten to a pulp and then subsequently pinned by Macho Man Nolan Ryan.

There is nothing in the world that I want more than to see Jim Crane put up a fight. Scratch and claw, it doesn’t matter – Crane needs to show the fans that he recognizes there is a problem and fight.

Just fight.

Crane needs to understand that there will be a tipping point when fans will refuse to come back. Astros fans will feel so burnt by the Astros that they will become resentful towards the club. Those feelings aren’t easily healed. This situation gets even direr for the Astros when you consider how well their new interstate rivals are doing business. The Rangers are World Series contenders. They have a very competent ownership situation and are actively recruiting disenfranchised Astros fans.

Crane doesn’t have to worry about losing me. I’m not leaving the Astros. I’m vocal and I’m worried – but I still care. Even fans that are resentful towards the Astros still care. The people who “just don’t care anymore” are the people who will serve as the Astros coup de grace as a prominent fixture in the baseball landscape. As far as a baseball team goes, “indifference” is the scariest word in the world because indifferent fans are, in fact, no longer fans. When fans quit caring about the Astros, they’ll turn to other teams or they’ll turn to other forms of entertainment. They’ll spend their money elsewhere. How in the world will the Astros convince those people to come back?

And when Jim Crane finds that he’s burnt every bridge and has a stadium that is only full when the Rangers, Yankees and Red Sox are in town… how does he plan on creating an environment of “sustained success?” How does he plan on making money when the other twelve teams in the league are in town? How does he plan on keeping Luhnow’s prized prospects from leaving when they become too good to afford? Is Jim Crane’s idea of “sustained success” that of the Kansas City Royals?

Does “sustained success” mean that Jim Crane will make money on this organization regardless of whether fans show up or not?

I don’t write my blog for the purpose of indiscriminately eviscerating Jim Crane at each and every opportunity. I believe that I am fair – I even lean on the side of being an “Astros apologist” because I am constantly defending the organization. Truth is, I am rooting for Jim Crane to right the ship. I want Jim Crane to succeed. I want Jim Crane to make a bunch of money and bring Houston a boatload of World Series championships. I had high hopes for Crane, and I believed he was going to fix all of the issues held over from the McLane regime. However, as Lee Street pointed out, “A baseball franchise is a public trust, and to the people who love the Astros, Jim Crane is miserably failing that trust.” Jim Crane has, to this point, not met Astros fans expectations – as a matter of fact, he’s fallen way short.

An email from a friend ended like this: The Astros were (at best) Jim Crane’s third choice in baseball teams, but he should be commended for the skill in which he has made Astros fans feel secure in the knowledge that they are ‘#2’ to him.

I’ve run out of ideas. I didn’t purchase the Houston Astros – Jim Crane did. The onus is on him. Crane needs to come up with the ideas. Crane needs to be creative. Crane needs to find a way to keep Astros fans from buying Rangers merchandise at Houston area sporting goods retailers. Crane needs to fight. Crane needs to find a way to save our franchise.

And, after one year, Jim Crane has shown us that he’s unprepared and not ready for the challenge of owning a Major League Baseball franchise.

I am begging, please put up a fight. In the scheme of things, I don’t care if the Astros lose all nineteen games against the Rangers in 2013 – but, for God’s sake, fight!

Who knows? Maybe Crane can fix this. I’m hoping that Crane will prove me wrong. I hope he’s willing to fight for this organization and make Houston proud of the work he’s put in. I still have a little bit of faith left in the Houston Astros. It isn’t much – but it is all I have.

As corny as it sounds, I see a star in the distance, a single burning ember in the Houston sky, behind the Community Partners Billboard; a tiny glimmer of hope for this imperfect, dysfunctional franchise. But, for the life of me, I cannot tell whether this tiny glimmer is floating away or burning out.

No, I’m not worried about leaving the Astros – I’m worried about the Astros leaving me.

The Astros Were Out of Their League

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 00:27:46 -0500

by Andy

When the news broke that Jim Deshaies accepted the broadcast position with the Chicago Cubs, I went through Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief in a matter of a few hours.

…well, sort of.

At first, I denied it. “Footer is clearly yanking my chain. Clearly, Jim Deshaies is coming back. …right?”

“…right?”

Then I got angry.

Then I bargained.

Then I got very depressed.

…and, now, as I write this, I’m trying to accept the fact that Jim Deshaies will not be a member of the Houston Astros broadcast team in 2013. That’s an incredibly hard pill to swallow.

It shouldn’t have ended like this.

I felt resigned to the fact that Deshaies was as good as gone when the news broke that he interviewed for the Cubs’ position. After discussing the matter with a friend who is reasonably privy to the situation, I felt the Astros could not compete.

The Astros were out of their league.

We could have had something special in Houston. We could have had something that was distinctly us. As noted before, Jim Deshaies could have been synonymous with Houston baseball. We could have erected statues one day and celebrated a Ford Frick honor with him – really. But in the matter of a few weeks, the notion that Jim Deshaies could become a Houston baseball icon went up in smoke faster than Community Partner billboards going up inside Minute Maid Park.

The Astros is an organization without a single World Series win or a single player donning an Astros hat in Cooperstown. The Astros is an organization that is fresh off a widely unpopular transition into the junior circuit and an organization that is fresh off consecutive “worst season in franchise history” designations. In a year where we’ve been kicked around over and over and over again, we would have liked to have Jim Deshaies around next year. Jim Crane could have thrown us a bone.

Let’s face it: this was Jim Deshaies’ decision. I concede that. However, I will not concede that Jim Deshaies didn’t get nudged out the door.

The Chicago Cubs broadcasting position is an undeniably dreamy job. Chicago is a great city and, love ‘em or hate ‘em, the Cubs are a legendary franchise with a rich history. Wrigley Field is a beautiful field. Chicago is a great baseball environment. In my opinion, and likely Jim Deshaies’ too, Bob Brenly was crazy for leaving his job as the Cubs broadcaster for the same position with the Arizona Diamondbacks.

But Jim Deshaies could have had a long-term commitment with the Houston Astros well before Brenly left the Windy City.

So, what exactly happened?

I have no clue.

However, not for a second, do I believe that Jim Crane has earned enough equity as the Astros owner to warrant the benefit of the doubt. Nor do I think Crane is guilty of a temporary lapse in judgment. This was not an accident but rather a conscious decision made by Crane.

Make no mistake about it: this was a decision.

Time and time again, Jim Crane has shown us that he’s unprepared to own a major league franchise. And, to me, that statement is dripping with irony. He continues to play fast and loose with our franchise and it seems, at least in this case, it has come back to bite him in a severe way.

Jim Crane has a significant degree of responsibility in this matter, and he deserves to be held accountable. In my opinion, two things happened:

1.) Jim Crane opted not to offer Jim Deshaies an extension.

2.) Jim Crane created an environment that Jim Deshaies wanted no part of.

I cannot think of a single person that has been offered a long-term extension since Jim Crane took over. This is not entirely surprising. Generally, when someone acquires a business, they evaluate their current employees and make determinations on whether or not to retain their services. This happens in most businesses – everyone is evaluated, up from the senior vice-presidents all the way down to the assistant burger flippers.

Perhaps it is an ego thing, but the new guy always seems to believe he can run the business better than the old guy. The first thing a new ownership team does is look for avenues to streamline productivity and increase the bottom line. They want to cut fat and maximize profits. And, in order to do that effectively, they have to have a strong working knowledge of the resources they currently oversee. This means waves and waves of evaluations. Owners and managers want their own guys in key positions, and they want to operate under their own designed plans because they want to live or die with their own decisions rather than the decisions made by the previous regime.

Jim Crane was right to install his own people.

And, from everything we know about Crane’s business acumen, his staff had a very thorough evaluation process that was standard among each and every Astros employee – from the senior vice-presidents to the assistant burger flippers.

Crane was pretty straightforward when he announced that “everything is on the table.” I took this as meaning that everything was subject to evaluation and nothing was concrete for 2013.

In an unsavory under-the-radar manner, Jim Crane fired everyone – from the senior vice-presidents to the assistant burger flippers.

And,those who were left likely felt unsafe.

Obviously, Jim Deshaies was above this. As far as the Astros organization goes, he was likely the only person from the McLane regime who did his job significantly better than the competition. Deshaies likely felt that he was above Crane’s petty evaluation process because he was aware that he was significantly better than his competition. Deshaies had been in Houston for 16 years and is regarded as one of the best in the business.

Deshaies put in the time. He knew he was good at his job. Astros fans knew he was good at his job. The Cubs organization knew he was good at his job. Jayson Stark and other national reporters knew he was good at his job.

But Jim Crane needed an evaluation process to determine what everyone else already knew.

Jim Crane didn’t just forget to offer Jim Deshaies an extension. Crane put Deshaies through a process that must have made Deshaies feel uncomfortable and disrespected. Deshaies felt like he earned an extension and Jim Crane still needed convincing.

…and, once Crane figured it all out, Jim Deshaies was already leading the lovable losers in “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

Realignment reared its ugly head, familiar faces retired, resigned or were fired, and Jim Deshaies was sitting in the booth wondering where everyone had gone. All the while, still wondering whether or not he’d be retained at the end of the year.

Jim Crane was so obsessed with his evaluation process and constructing his organization to his liking, that he dropped the ball in an area that should have been a very bright spot in his very dull franchise. The Astros said they offered “fair market value” and “made every attempt to retain him”; they were a day late and dollar short. Had Crane created an environment of goodwill, he wouldn’t have had to rely on offering Deshaies “fair market value” as a last ditch effort.

When Bob Brenly left the Windy City, the door flew open, and Jim Deshaies saw an opportunity. There was nothing holding him back – it was the perfect storm for the Houston Astros. But make no mistake about it: Jim Crane had every opportunity to ensure Jim Deshaies’ spot in Houston well before Chicago even became an option.

Jim Crane chose not to pursue a long-term contract for Jim Deshaies. Whether you believe my theory or not, Crane’s decision to remain inactive led to Deshaies’ departure.

Crane foolishly chose to play his own version of “businessman chicken” with one of his prized assets. And now that Deshaies has flown the coop for the Cubs, all that’s left for Crane is crow.

Stephen's Thanksgiving Day Special! The Houston Sports Counterplot's Ten Fan Commandments

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 10:35:41 -0500

by Stephen N

This post was inspired as I watched the amazing Texans’ comeback Sunday and couldn’t help but think about the many that had obviously left the game early. So here’s some commandments to memorize and follow that I think if universally accepted could move us from “greatest city in America” to “greatest city in the history of the World”…..

I. THOU SHALT NOT BOO THINE OWN TEAM

I hate when this happens. Now hear me out here…..part of being good fans is being able to criticize your team. That IS allowed. Blind allegiance without questioning is false. I have been oft criticized on the Twittersphere for occasionally criticizing one Matt Schaub, however I ALWAYS root for #8 to succeed and give credit when due (see Sunday tweets). You should be allowed and encouraged to criticize, question, and sometimes dislike certain players, coaches, and owners, however I think it is in extremely poor taste to boo your team. It looks classless and portrays your fan base as fair weather no matter what your motivation for booing is. I might be partial, but I think organizations such as The Houston Sports Counterplot set a great example of die-hard fan allegiance mixed with the occasional honest questioning and criticizing of those organizations we know and love.

II. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY ON THINE TEAM

We all have that one friend who is a Laker, Yankee, Cowboy fan (that’s right bro…..I just called you out in a blog read by millions! You know who you are). Can that type of person really exist? I say vehemently NO! You can’t be a fan of both the Cowboys and Texans, or the Spurs and Rockets, or gasp the ultimate blasphemy…… Rangers and Astros. You can only truly love one team in each sport. Try telling your wife: “Look honey I love you, but I also think Jessica is pretty hot and especially during certain times of the year I’m going be with her.” (Spoiler: YOU WILL DIE AND/OR HAVE CERTAIN BODY PARTS REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY) If you’re going to do this fan thing it is a monogamous relationship. Can you have a favorite in a game where your team is not favored? SURE, but when the game is over the outcome shouldn’t affect you very much like it does when your true love plays.

III. KNOW THINE TEAM

This is the shortest yet possibly most important commandment. Don’t show up at a Rockets game wondering why Luis Scola’s not playing tonight. Be able to name at least two offensive linemen for the Texans. Don’t show up to the Astros’ opening game wondering what the DH on the lineup means. Learn your teams and be knowledgeable.

IV. THOU SHALT TREAT OPPOSING TEAM’S FANS RESPECTFULLY

We live in Texas. Greatest. State. Ever. Make sure any unfortunate souls who do not currently call the Promised Land home are able to leave knowing that they have entered a far superior state to their own. Now you can ride opposing fans a little (there may have possibly been a certain blogger who was discount double checking Packers fans when JJ Watt sacked Aaron Rodgers a few weeks ago), but it should be in good fun and you should keep it civil, and make sure those fans feel welcomed while still aware that they are in enemy territory. EXCEPTION: When opposing fans (like a few Cubs beauties 4 years ago) are so obnoxious at said event that you feel no other option other than standing up for your town, repping the H, and laying the smack down on some disrespectful punks. But remember, in my experience a friendly host can often find out that opposing team’s fans can be a lot cooler than you thought (with the possible exception of Cubs fans…..what a group of incompetent, losing inspired, drunk morons)……Sorry…..even some Cubs fans can be cool.

V. THOU SHALT ARRIVE ON TIME FOR THINE TEAM’S CONTESTS

We don’t live in LA folks. Unless you had to work late you should make plans to be at the game prior to its start! Nothing looks worse on television than a half empty facility. Get it together Rockets fans!

VI. THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE THINE TEAM’S GAMES EARLY

See Sunday’s Texans game. How many people are now going to have to lie and say they were at the game when in reality their faith was too small and they bailed when their team was down 14 in the 4^th? We’ve seen way too many comebacks in this town to leave early. Andre Sunday, Chris Burke, Rockets 95 playoff runs, Oilers/Bills (wait…..forget that last one), look H town just do me a favor and stay till the end of the game. I stayed till the end of the Green Bay game a few weeks ago and was one of the few fans who got the chance to give Andre Johnson a standing ovation for reaching 10,000 yards.

VII. THOU SHALT OFFER THINE YEARLY SACRIFICES TO SAINT HAKEEM

No matter what your favorite sport is….Houston sports begins and ends with Hakeem “the Dream” Olajuwon. I was at my most impressionable during the early 90’s when Hakeem staked his claim as one of the best centers to EVER play basketball, and led the Rockets to back to back championships (still the only major sports championships the greatest city in America has). Nobody in the H has ever done it at a higher level and represented the city so well. Not to mention Hakeem’s years at UH and the fact that he played his entire career in Houston (you shut your dirty, filthy mouth Toronto….that NEVER happened!)

VIII. THOU SHALT RESPECT THINE SAINTS OF THE PAST

Earl Campbell, Jimmy Wynn, Warren Moon, Guy V, J.R. Richard, Moses Malone, Biggio and Bagwell, Bum Phillips etc…..these are the guys who paved the way for Houston sports. Whether you’re 7 or 70, you should do a little research and know the history of your teams. Houston may not have the most championships, but we have a tremendous history of sports. Know it. Respect it. Teach it to the next generation.

IX. THOU SHALT DO THINE RESEARCH PRIOR TO CALLING THINE SPORTS TALK SHOWS

Nothing is worse than flipping on your favorite sports talk show and having to listen to, “if only the Texans woulda drafted VY” guy after a huge win. Don’t call in proposing that the Astros trade Lucas Harrell for Buster Posey and then hang up and listen. Some people should just listen and never be heard. No shame in that. Better to have listened and learned than called and subjected us all to your asinine opinion. Now, if you’ve bounced your topic off at least three sports savvy buddies and not one of them asked if you were drunk or recently in a car accident……then by all means call in and contribute. I’m just saying do some research before you clog up the airwaves……Houston will sound more knowledgeable if you do.

X. THOU SHALT NEVER PLACE MORE IMPORTANCE ON THINE FANTASY TEAM THAN THINE REAL TEAM

This is the newest of all the commandments. Nothing is more annoying than “man too bad we just lost, but ————- ————— really tore it up for me in my fantasy league today” guy. You know what you can do with your fantasy league? Some believers take this commandment to the max, swearing off fantasy sports altogether so as not to break the fan law. This approach is admirable, and I have to admit that if you feel weakness in this area it may be best to take a conservative approach when it comes to the fantasy realm. However as the good book says…..everything in moderation. I partake in a little fantasy myself, and would not tell you to avoid it as long as you always keep your first love your first love.

So there you go Houston sports fans. The Ten Commandments. Memorize them. Practice them. Hand the down from generation to generation. And please……don’t ever leave your team hanging down 14 in the 4^th again.

And, without further ado…

Now The Tuxedos Seem Kinda F—ked Up.

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 23:41:22 -0500

by Andy

Our beloved hometown team was held hostage for several years before a tuxedoed Jim Crane crashed through the glass window, rescued the fan base from the evil Dr. McLane and declared that he liked his martinis “shaken, not stirred.”

…and after a boatload of money was exchanged and ink dried, Astros fans felt a sense of relief.

Whew! The worst is over!

Better days are ahead.

Of course, then there was the widely unpopular announcement that the Astros were “being forced” to the American League. Then there was the overnight erection (that’s right, I said “overnight erection”) of the Community Partners billboard that blocked the gorgeous view of downtown. Then we all took front row seats to “Reign of Terror” type covert firings and mass defections of anyone and everyone from the radio guys to the bullpen catcher.

And, now, Jim Deshaies has interviewed with the Cubs to join their broadcast team.

I’m not entirely shocked. Sadly, it just seems like business as usual for the Houston Astros.

I can sum up Jim Crane’s Astros in one minute. The scene in Step Brothers where Brennan and Dale are looking for jobs and they interview with Seth Rogen for a janitorial position while wearing tuxedos. Rogen’s character says that the brothers “seem like cool guys.” He notes the irony of the tuxedos, finds the brothers endearing and prepares to offer them a job. “You guys are hired unless you’re the weirdest guys ever, and I don’t see it.” Then Dale cuts a long, drawn-out fart. Rogen’s character then realizes that Dale and Brennan aren’t who they seem. He tastes the fart. “Now the tuxedos seem kinda f—ked up.”

This is your Houston Astros.

They are the weirdest guys ever, and we just don’t see it.

Root. Root. Root.

Let’s be clear, Jim Deshaies wanted to interview with the Cubs. He made the choice. No one held a gun to his head. As a matter of fact, there are several Astros fans willing to point out that perhaps Jim Deshaies is just not that into you. And they might be right… but it seems like Jim Crane’s Astros have pretty much botched each and every opportunity they’ve had since taking over the organization that I’m not so sure I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt anymore.

And, if this is an organization that Jim Deshaies no longer wants to be a part of, shouldn’t the Astros have some level of culpability in creating that environment?

I have never believed Jim Crane when he said he was forced to realign the organization to the American League – not once, and I still don’t. I never believed Crane when he tried to convince fans that the Community Partners billboard was some kind of happy accident.

Until convinced otherwise, I will continue to believe that Jim Crane has been peddling bullshit since he took over.

And I won’t believe Jim Crane or the Astros when they eventually say that their hands were tied where Deshaies was concerned.

The benefit of the doubt ship has sailed – it is time for accountability. Jim Crane needs to understand that the Astros are rooted in Houston and these fly-by-night business operations will eventually expose him as a fraud and criminalize himself in the eyes of the people who want him to succeed the most.

Time and time again, the only thing Jim Crane has shown Houston is that he is committed to consistently shooting himself in the foot.

Make no mistake about it - if Jim Deshaies leaves for Chicago, the Astros have no one to blame but themselves.

The Astros should have never let it get this far. They should have locked Jim Deshaies up a long time ago. They should have made Jim Deshaies so comfortable in Houston that he would have never considered another job. It has been up to the Astros to ensure that Jim Deshaies continues to be a part of the Astros family – thus far, the Astros have failed to do their job. This was an obligation, and they’ve failed miserably.

Period.

Perhaps the broadcasts have little effect on ratings, however, Deshaies is regarded as one of the best in the business and the Astros have very little “best in the business” in their organization. I have often questioned whether Jim Deshaies would ever consider a national TV job with Fox or ESPN… I never imagined the Astros would let Deshaies slip away to WGN.

The Astros have the opportunity to do something special. They can make Jim Deshaies synonymous with Astros baseball. He can be the organizational stalwart that transcends and endures multiple generations of fans, but the Astros have been too blind or ignorant to make the necessary gestures to ensure a long-term commitment.

As of right now, you could make an argument that Jim Deshaies is the most beloved of all current Astros’ employees. The Astros might even agree as they gave away Bill Brown/Jim Deshaies bobbleheads less than 18 months ago. Consequently, fans have taken to Twitter and blogs to voice their outrage over the prospect that Deshaies will not be in the booth for 2013. The folks at the Crawfish Boxes, Climbing Tal’s Hill and What The Heck, Bobby have already chimed in. Jayne from WTHB also posts where you can send fan mail. Sensible Lee Street has threatened to become not so sensible. Anna-Megan Raley is not impressed.

There are a lot of Astros fans who have changed their profile pictures to pictures of Jim Deshaies. I did. I recommend you do the same.

There is a recognizable and substantial base that still supports Jim Crane and the Astros despite their unpopular moves. I’m in that group… still. There is still a chance to win over fans that haven’t defected to Ryan’s Rangers just yet. …it’s not too late. While there is an argument to be made about winning curing all ailments, if Jim Crane continues to encourage and nurture a culture of indifference and isolation – he’ll find himself without fans when the gates are supposed to pick up. If he doesn’t believe this will happen, look no further than the 2013 Baltimore Orioles.

I’m very passionate, and I’m very critical of the Houston Astros because I care. I still care. Despite everything – I still care. Once guys like me quit caring, the Astros are going to be in a world of trouble because I’ve been accused of exercising blind loyalty and unconditional love – but I’m not so sure I’m so blind and I’m not so sure my love is unconditional. I’m not too invested in the Houston Astros that I’d stand by quietly and spend my hard-earned money while some two-bit drugstore cowboy takes advantage of me. I’m strongly opposed to being taken for granted; I hold grudges, and I spend my money wisely.

I’ll spend money on a loser, but I will not spend money on someone who treats me like I am ignorant.

Jim Crane is poking at the beehive that belongs to his most loyal bees – and, if he keeps poking, he’s shouldn’t be surprised when his ass gets stung.

Will Jim Crane invite me to one of his focus groups? I’d like to tell him that I think his “aw, screw ‘em, they’ll keep buying tickets” marketing strategy will eventually come back to hurt him in the end. Houstonians are loyal – but we’re also smart, and we can tell when we’re getting the run around.

We’re getting the run around.

Jim Crane looks great in a tuxedo, he seems like a cool guy and he might be fun to work with. But I’m starting to smell a pretty rancid fart… now the tuxedo seems kinda f—ked up.

Jeff Luhnow Buys a Car... Well, Maybe.

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 11:49:24 -0500

by Andy

I purchased my truck a few years ago. It was my first big purchase. I remember standing outside of the car lot while reciting my haggling techniques. “Aw, c’mon, bro, is that the best you can do?” (I was saying “bro” before it was cool.) I stood stoically and scanned over the cars and immediately started having serious concerns whether or not I could afford anything new and nice. Then I started having serious concerns whether I’d have to choose between new or nice. This situation became complicated, and I hadn’t even talked to a salesman yet. I had some money in the bank, and I knew that there was something for me somewhere… but here? But now? I started to wonder whether or not my current truck would last another six months or a year. I left and went to another dealership… that night I bought my truck.

This is free agency.

The market is full of great bargains, but it’s also full of lemons. The Astros are either going to get their money’s worth or they’re going to count down the days until the bad contract they gave away expires.

The Astros have to spend their money wisely. Scratch that! The Astros MUST spend their money wisely! They cannot afford to be saddled with bad contracts, and they cannot afford to compromise their bright future for a glimmer of hope in the present.

Talking free agency is fun. Talking trades is fun.

But, if big name free agents and blockbuster deals are your thing… this off-season won’t be fun.

But it’ll be productive.

Of course, many Astros fans are not totally grasping the concept of rebuilding. It wasn’t but a few years ago, the Astros farm system was barren and devoid of any star potential. Astros fans begged and complained, “Woe is me! The farm system is barren and devoid of any star potential!” (I paraphrased.) However, with recent trades and quality drafts, the Astros have built one of the stronger minor league systems in major league baseball. …and, now, after all the time and effort, many Astros fans are interested in trading away prospects or signing multi-year big money contracts because they want to “win right away.” How Drayton McLane-y of them.

The last regime cut corners by taking on irresponsible contracts and trying to add pieces instead of developing ones. Jim Crane and Jeff Luhnow have been reasonably straightforward in regards to their plans on building a successful organization in Houston. Signing Mike Napoli or trading for Justin Upton just doesn’t fit into what they said they are trying to do here. And, quite frankly, if their plan is to sign Napoli or trade for Upton, they might as well sell the team back to Drayton McLane while they’re at it. …because that’s how the last regime operated.

You don’t put $1500 rims on a 1992 Ford Taurus.

I’ve also heard that people want the Astros to trade for Jeremy Hellickson or Trevor Bauer. While Hellickson and Bauer would be under club control for awhile, what would the Astros have to give up to get them? The Astros aren’t, or rather shouldn’t, be in the market for one marquee player at the expense of multiple quality prospects. The Astros are building a well-rounded team and giving equal value in multiple prospects for one good player doesn’t seem very productive or consistent with the Astros plans… the organization’s words, not mine.

It’s fun to talk about potential free agent signings or potential trades. However, at the moment, “big splash” transactions don’t seem like an effective strategy for our team’s current situation. I wouldn’t forecast any big name free agents or Luhnow conducting any blockbuster swaps.

As if you need to be reminded, the Astros lost a franchise record 107 games in 2012, which clipped the previous year’s loss total by one. So, it’s probably safe to say that one single player isn’t going to transform the Astros into a playoff contender or even a .500 team – two players won’t change that, either. But, the Astros can use free agency to their advantage by signing players here and there and passing on irresponsible franchise crippling expenditures.

It is important that the Astros put a competitive team on the field. It is important that this team scratch and claw their way out of the triple-digit loss neighborhood and, at least, represent to the fans that, “hey, this team is going somewhere.” Player development has to be the key ingredient to the Astros revival. As of now, the Astros biggest goal is to develop a franchise capable of competing year after year while keeping fans interested, invested and buying tickets.

This is a massive, long-term undertaking. But one that is worthwhile.

So what are we working with?

As of now, the Astros line-up has some potential to it. It has a little pop and a little speed, there are a few guys who can hit for average, get on base and, for the most part, they’re decent defensively. Granted, this line-up doesn’t have any marquee appeal, but it will be able to hold its own and keep the Astros in games. We’re not exactly looking to win the World Series in 2013, but if the goal is to get better and be competitive – the line-up isn’t exactly an urgent crisis.

I suppose if Jose Altuve starts striking out again, Brett Wallace can’t get any lift on the ball or Justin Maxwell hits .190, all of this can change for 2013.

But, when 2014 arrives, things will get a bit crowded and complicated. With the emergence of Jonathan Singleton, George Springer and Robbie Grossman – some of the guys on the 2013 roster will find themselves on the bench or looking at other teams for employment.

Of course, with the DH, Jeff Luhnow will have a lot more flexibility when constructing the team because he’ll now view each position player as being capable of also being a DH. This is how I imagine Brett Wallace or JD Martinez will manage to remain on the roster.

I’m really not seeing any glaring spots on offense where the Astros need to add anyone long term. However, Luhnow should strike up dialogue with players who’d be interested in short-term contracts. Lance Berkman and Melky Cabrera fit this description. Berkman is familiar with Houston and could be plugged into the DH role while spelling Wallace at first base. Cabrera is out to prove that his talent isn’t contingent on how much buffalo urine he injects directly into his butt cheeks. Both could sign one-year deals and stave off the necessity of having to call up Singleton, Grossman or Springer too soon.

Above and beyond the need for a DH or any other bat, the Astros need to address their starting rotation and bullpen. They’re going to need to do this in free agency – I can’t see them getting a quality durable big league pitcher in the rule 5 draft… maybe someone who can compete for a spot, though.

Jarred Cosart aside, there isn’t much immediate help on the way from the farm, and the Astros are going to need a guy that they can plug into the starting rotation for the next couple of years. As of now, Bud Norris, Lucas Harrell and Jordan Lyles seem to be locks. I expect the Astros to sign a free agent pitcher for one of the first four spots and have an open competition for the final spot in the rotation. The final spot could come down to a rule 5 guy, a non-roster invitee or Cosart, Brett Oberholtzer, Dallas Keuchel, Rudy Owens or possibly Paul Clemens.

Or maybe even Roger Clemens. (LOL!) No… seriously. (Oh.)

Having a bona-fide MLB starting pitcher in the first four spots of the rotation would be an outstanding situation for the Astros. The Astros need someone to eat up innings, take pressure off the bullpen and sign just a two or three year deal.

I’m going to bypass talking about Zack Grienke, Dan Haren or any of the other big money contract free agents and talk about some guys who I think the Astros will show real interest in.

I would like to see the Astros make a run at someone like Brandon McCarthy or Shaun Marcum. Either of these guys could be placed after Harrell in the rotation and provide solid productivity for the next few years. However, I think the Astros are more likely to be interested in someone like Carlos Villanueva or Kevin Correia. (Sigh.) Neither Villanueva nor Corriea have a history of eating innings, although Correia has gotten up to 198 before. I would assume that both of these pitchers would be interested in signing short-term, franchise friendly contracts… possibly, in Correia’s case, as a non-roster invitee. Carlos Villanueva has also had success as a reliever. So, if Cosart, Oberholtzer or any of the other minor leaguers go nuts in Oklahoma City, it’d be a smooth transition for Villanueva to move into the pen.

Which brings me to my next issue: the Astros need at least one more decent relief pitcher. With a young team, it is going to be important to preserve leads because, as we’ve been taught over the last two years, leads are hard to come by. Having one of our young pitchers pitch a gem only to have it blown to pieces by Chuckie Fick might do some serious damage to their psyche. If the Astros solidify the bullpen, it’ll go a long way in developing a culture of confidence within the starting rotation. And, winning is important to player development. I look at someone like Jonathan Broxton, Kyuji Fujikawa, Joakim Soria or Ryan Madson. Soria and Madson, both coming off injury, might be good options for short-term deals that could be parlayed into premium choice trade bait if they revert to form. Broxton and Fujikawa seem to be guys who might consider opting for teams that’ll utilize them as closers.

Needless to say, I’m not predicting any big splashes in the off-season. The Astros might find a suitor for Jed Lowrie or Bud Norris and, as the organization continues to turnover, begin to consider alternate options in free agency and render this whole article null and void. I feel like Jim Crane and Luhnow may have learned a lesson from the previous regime regarding irresponsible contracts, and I don’t think Crane and Luhnow would want to get into another Carlos Lee, Kaz Matsui or Brandon Lyon type situation.

So, shop wisely, Jeff. Don’t grab the first shiny car off the lot. Make sure you check under the hood. And, always remember, there are new models coming out for next year.

Ernest Goes To Academy (Astros Logo Leak)

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 20:38:00 -0400

by Andy

At 10:36 this morning, Eagle Eye Ernest Moreno tweeted a picture to Sports Logo Net, “I saw this at a local Academy not too long ago.” A minute later, he tweeted me.

I’m generally pretty good about reading everything that is directed at me. So, when I saw this, I knew that I had to get it confirmed.

Immediately, I saved the picture to my phone and sent a text message to a friend who I thought would know.

“Hey, is this the new logo or what?”

And no less than a minute later, I got a response.

“Where was that picture taken?”

That was pretty much all the confirmation I needed.

The picture was taken at an Academy on the Gulf Freeway and Edgebrook. According to Ernest, they only had medium available, and this was the only new look merchandise on the shelf. After a few angry calls from the Houston Astros to Academy’s corporate office, that particular location has since pulled all the new look merchandise off the shelf.

Sports Logo Net ran with it. The Houston Chronicle got involved and now, Ernest is a bit of a celebrity. Good for him! And, I have to admit, had I been strutting around that particular Academy, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the new gear… so, you gotta give it up to Ernest for noticing in the first place.

Academy’s CEO Ronald Faldyn sent out a press release stating that they “apologize to the Houston Astros for the inadvertent leak of small quantities of the new Astros product.” They go on to say that what was put on the floor “represented a small portion of the Astros new identity” and the product has been “removed from the sales floor and is no longer available for sale.”

Other than that, there has been no legitimate confirmation regarding the new logo. There was speculation among bloggers like myself and uniform aficionados like Sports Logo Net. As a matter of fact, there seemed to have been coherent points made in Sports Logo Net’s thread as one commenter stated “this item has been on the floor for a year.” Maybe everyone should have kept their mouths shut and left a little bit of doubt amongst Astros fans? But, nay, Academy acknowledged that the picture is legit and the Astros acknowledge that Academy screwed up – so there you have it: this is the Astros’ new logo.

Personally, I like it. It is a very timeless look. They took the old logo and modernized it. I kept hearing scuttlebutt about “updated and classic” and this pretty much fits into that mold. I’m thrilled that the Astros selected to go back to orange and navy blue. However, the picture has two shades of orange and it’ll be interesting to see if the new uniforms incorporate both shades or just the lighter or the darker of the two.

Who knows? We’ll find out on November 2^nd when the Astros present their new look to the public… unless Academy puts more new look product out on their floor and starts selling it between now and then.

The Wonder Years: My Journey Home

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 10:53:00 -0400

by Andy

(Editor’s note: When it was announced that the Astros were moving to the American League, I was asked whether or not I was reassessing my commitment to the organization. Immediately, I thought about this story and I wanted to share it with you.)

I haven’t always been an Astros fan.

For two years of my life, I was obsessed with the Oakland Athletics.

Yes, our soon-to-be division rivals. Those Oakland Athletics.

Benedict Arnold? Hardly.

It was 1989 and 1990, and I was in elementary school. And, my friend, times were wild. It was an age of irresponsibility and the age of writing sentences on the blackboard. It was the age of Ninja Turtles. It was the age of wisdom, and it was an age of discovery.

And when I discovered the Oakland A’s, I realized that they had it all! An embarrassment of riches! They had power, speed, outstanding pitching and the sweetest uniforms in baseball. Who in the world didn’t love the Bash Brothers? They had Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco launching homeruns by the truckload – bumping forearms after each blast. They had Dave Stewart and Bob Welch to start and Dennis Eckersley to close. Ricky Henderson would find a way to get on base and, before you knew it, he’d steal second… and then third. I also liked Rick Honeycutt, Dave Parker, Mike Gallego and Dave Henderson.

I liked them all! Yeah, the Oakland Athletics.

The 1989 All Star Game in Anaheim was the first All Star Game I remember and likely the first one I watched. The Oakland uniforms drew me in. But how on Earth did I not fall in love with the Kansas City Royals? Because the only thing I can vividly remember from that game was Bo Jackson and Wade Boggs hitting back-to-back homeruns off of Rick Reuschel. C’est la vie, Kansas City!

During that game, my whole life changed forever: I became an Oakland A’s fan and, more importantly, a baseball fan.

To my dismay, as a tee-baller, I was on the crummy Tigers. We had crummy yellow T’s on our crummy little hats… we didn’t even look like the real Tigers – who, in 1989, were reasonably crummy themselves. The tee-ball Athletics, on the other hand, were dressed to the nines – yellow writing on a field of green, true to their professional counterparts. And, just like in the big leagues, the tee-ball A’s were the best team in my league too. The toast of the town! It was as if they were the tee-ball league affiliate of the big league Oakland A’s! They could hit, throw and catch. They were light-years ahead of the other teams in our league. And, to their credit, almost no one on their team would ever be caught picking grass out in rightfield… unlike the crummy Tigers. Unfortunately, this was before tee-ball’s governing body kept official records, so I cannot confirm it, but I think the tee-ball A’s went undefeated – a perfect 16-0 and a city championship to boot!

“Oh, if only my coach would trade me to the A’s,” I thought. “I’d definitely eat all of my cauliflower.”

Luckily for me, my childhood wasn’t as tortured or hardshipped as other great writers. As a matter of fact, I had a pretty awesome childhood and my parents were very loving and supportive. They facilitated my love for baseball. My Dad jumped through all of the hoops to sign me up for the city league, and my mom would buy me baseball cards each time she went to the grocery store… provided I was well behaved (and ate all of my cauliflower).

I hope that you can find as much joy in something as I found in opening a pack of baseball cards. Topps, Donruss, Upper Deck… I collected them all. As an adult, I wish I could replicate the feeling of opening a pack of baseball cards – but, sadly, it’s impossible. There’s no comparison. I honestly got more excited opening a pack of baseball cards back then as I get now by opening my paycheck – after all, I know what’s in my paycheck …and I got to keep all of my baseball cards. I would sit Indian-style on the brown shag carpet in my bedroom listening to my brother’s Fat Boys tape; meticulously, I’d lay my baseball cards out by position in the form of a baseball diamond. I would stack cards on top of each other, ranking each player on how good I thought they were. As a diehard A’s fan, I had Mike Gallego over Cal Ripken Jr.

Besides, the back of Cal’s baseball card said he only hit .264 in 1988.

Oakland had swept the Giants in the 1989 World Series – I remember watching the pre-game broadcast when the Loma Prieta Earthquake struck before game three. I had never been a part of a natural disaster, and here I was watching Al Michaels’ narrate one before a national audience. I wonder if that event played a role in how I remember certain facts from that period of my life. I remember I didn’t sleep well because I was scared that an earthquake would level Houston to a pile of rubble as soon as I shut my tired eyes.

I watched the next two games. I paid a lot of attention, too… after all, there could be a few homeruns off of Mark McGwire’s bat or there could be another devastating earthquake. Who knows? Not knowing much, I felt both would surely happen before the series concluded – so I kept my eyes glued to our television set.

In the end, Mark McGwire went 1-9 with an RBI and the earthquake finished out the series without an official at-bat. I was happy that my team, the A’s, won the World Series.

Obviously, coming into the 1990 season, the Oakland A’s were regarded as the best team in baseball. And, I couldn’t have been more ready for that season. I was a child. Life was good. They were winners and, because they were winners, I was a winner, too.

There’s no indifference in the life of a child sports fan. There is no middle ground. You’re either a winner or a loser. Kids won’t stand behind a loser, and they certainly have no reservations about jumping from bandwagon to bandwagon until they find a winner. I was no different. That’s why I liked the A’s.

I’m sure my parents just thought it was a phase… like when I slept with a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 5.

Did I mention that my family didn’t have cable back then?

…because that’s important.

It’s important because the only time I got to watch Oakland was during an occasional national broadcast or over at my grandmother’s house. My grandmother was top notch! She had cable.

In addition to them being a good baseball team, I liked the Oakland A’s because they were mysterious. I never really saw them play much. I analyzed the sports page every morning… but I couldn’t pick Mike Gallego or Carney Lansford out of a line-up had it not been for my vast collection of baseball cards. …okay, maybe Carney Lansford but only because he was a creepy looking dude.

In 1990, in my elementary school’s library, they had an Oakland A’s book. It was about 25 or 30 pages – three or four sentences per page. It had pictures of Oakland players, clean white uniforms with yellow socks and white shoes. All and all, it was just a short summary over the previous year’s team. I checked that book out over and over again. I’m not sure whether they had every team, but I know they had the Astros… I glanced at it, but I never took it home.

Okay, I’m rambling.

I’m going to take a quick little tangent and start on a different story and we’ll come back to the A’s at the end.

So, let me explain my “the world is flat” baseball understanding that I had as a child: As a rule, pitchers batted ninth in the National League and not at all in the American League – it was that simple. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. I wasn’t sure why, but rules were rules and that’s all I needed to know at the time. I didn’t need an explanation and I didn’t really care to be bothered for one. Every Astros game that my parents watched, the line-up would be announced and there was the pitcher buried at the bottom… ninth. Always. No exceptions.

(This was another reason I liked the Oakland A’s. They were not subjected to the embarrassment of having their pitcher try to hit.)

In May of 1990, my father took my brother and me to an Astros game – and, this is the second moment in this piece that my life changed forever. This was a traumatic event on several fronts! The Astros were playing the Phillies. I can’t recall what my father fed us, but I do remember that I got incredibly sick in the middle of the game and threw up - which, to my knowledge, was the first and only time I’ve ever exited a game early.

It was May 9^th to be exact. I had to check with baseball-reference to see the exact date because though the memory is vivid, the details get a bit fuzzy. Mike Scott made the start but was pulled in the fifth after giving up four runs on nine hits. Art Howe, upon pulling Scott, made a quick detour towards the home plate umpire. The umpire took out a notepad and jotted something down, Howe slyly walked to the mound, motioned for a lefty and Mike Scott, along with Ken Caminiti, walked into the Astros dugout. Eric Yelding jogged in from center to play third. The public address announcer chimed in, “Now pitching, Dan Schatzeder eder eder. And playing centerfield ield ield, Gerald Young Young Young”

Harmless, right?

I held my aching stomach and looked up at the scoreboard. As Ken Caminiti left the game, he took with him his name that graced the fifth spot of the Houston batting order. We were left to deal with the large cavernous nothing between the fourth and sixth spots.

Silence.

Waiting.

And, then all hell broke loose.

In large bright letters on a field of black, the cavernous nothing in the fifth spot in the batting order was replaced with “20 SCHATZEDER P.”

Are you kidding me, Art Howe? I couldn’t believe that a pitcher was batting in the fifth spot of the batting order! This was baseball blasphemy! Art Howe was spitting in the face of millions of years worth of conventional baseball strategy. That spot is reserved for the Dave Parkers and Jose Cansecos of the world! Not the Dan Schatzeders of the world! How in the world can a team expect to win when they’re batting their pitcher in the heart of the line-up?

Art Howe was a buffoon. I was beside myself. I was speechless. My stomach churned.

…and shortly thereafter, before Dan Schatzeder, a career .240 hitter with a measly 5 homeruns to his name, ever picked up a bat to publicly humiliate himself in front 11,000 laughing Astros fans… I threw up on the family sitting in front of us.

I can still hear them scream.

The umpires didn’t even acknowledge the commotion going on in our section – I’m not even sure that stopping the game ever crossed their minds. Alas, we left the Astrodome and the game played on without us. Before long, I was asleep in the backseat of my mother’s 1982 Monte Carlo as my dad and brother listened to the game in the front seat…

I never got to see the circus that was Dan Schatzeder attempting to swing a bat.

I was so sick. I had food poisoning. My old man carried my small body into the house and tucked me into a small sleeping bag next to my parent’s bed. I woke up several times during the night to throw up. Each time I got up, I thought, “why would the Astros bat Dan Schatzeder fifth?” It was a long night of vomiting and thinking about Dan Schatzeder.

Each time I got up, my Dad, in his “tighty-whiteys,” wiped sleep from his eyes and staggered out of the bed to make sure I was okay. (Thanks, Dad!)

When I woke up in the morning, I found that the Astros had lost 10-1.

“That’s what happens when you bat Dan Schatzeder fifth,” I thought.

Later that year, the Oakland A’s got swept by the Cincinnati Reds in the 1990 World Series and I really didn’t care. I was growing disinterested in the A’s. Our fling had run its course. Not because they were slowing down or because they were no good but because they weren’t on TV.

And the Astros were.

The Oakland A’s weren’t in Houston.

And the Astros were.

1991 - that was the year that I started to fall for the Astros. And I owe it to my mom. She was the one who had the remote control. My dad, who worked late, was more interested in the news or Murphy Brown or Unsolved Mysteries… I wanna say he also liked Rescue 911, but I’m not certain when that aired.

My mom knew that I was an A’s fan… but she knew I was a baseball fan, too. So she made sure the Astros were on every once in awhile, and she made sure I was watching.

“Look, Andy, they’re about to score!”

(Mom, you have impacted my life in so many positive ways - I love you for that.)

In 1991, I found myself checking the Astros boxscores and cuddling up with my mom to watch the games on channel 20.

I started replacing Oakland A’s baseball cards with Astros baseball cards. Mike Gallego lost his starting position on my brown shag carpet to Rafael Ramirez. I replaced my Fat Boys tape with an MC Hammer tape. Glenn Davis replaced Mark McGwire and Ken Caminiti, who didn’t creep me out like Carney Lansford did, was my new favorite player.

It wasn’t until I was older that I learned the concept of “the double switch” and I learned that Dan Schatzeder more than likely didn’t bat in that game. After checking baseball-reference.com, my suspicions were confirmed.

A double switch. Pfft!

So, as it turned out, Art Howe was, in fact, not a buffoon. He knew what he was doing. He was a very capable manager. And I was angry with Art for no good reason.

But, the Astros fired Art Howe anyway in 1993 and hired Terry Collins to replace him. Howe landed on his feet, though. And after a brief stint as a bench coach for the Colorado Rockies, Howe got another opportunity to manage in 1996 – this time, with the Oakland A’s.

I’ve been an Astros fan since. And, regardless of their league or uniforms, I’ll remain an Astros fan until I die.

The Astros are my team.

The Oakland Athletics are just an old flame from my younger days.

After all, it was an age of irresponsibility and the age of writing sentences on the blackboard. It was the age of Ninja Turtles. It was the age of wisdom, and it was an age of discovery.

It was wild times, and I have no regrets.

Although I probably owe an apology to Art Howe and Dan Schatzeder… and the family I vomited on in 1990.

Sure, Rocket Science

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 09:42:00 -0400

by Andy

Have I spent this entire baseball season watching the Astros or has this been one long episode of TBS’s new hit comedy Sullivan & Son? I’m not quite sure. I know the laughs at Minute Maid Park are few and far between. There’s not a lot of clapping or cheering, either. There’s not a lot of intrigue or “what’ll happen next?” talk amongst the fans. And, yes, apathy is quietly overcoming the fan base as our hopeless hometown Houston Astros again dig themselves deeper into the cold dark depths of the National League cellar. Again. September has brought us football, though and now we can tuck the Astros in and put them to bed.

…And, then the clever fellow, who I assume is the “Son” in Sullivan & Son said, “I’m half white and half Asian. That makes me Caucasian.” LOL! Brilliant!

Has Jim Crane thought of hiring a guy to hold an “applause” sign?

Enter our unlikely hero: Roger Clemens. Our once prodigal son, now prodigal grandfather, has coasted into Astros discussions on the wings of sports pages everywhere and has huffed and puffed a new refreshing life into our beloved hometown team. He suspiciously made a start for the local independent team? Cue speculation! Headlines read: Roger Takes a Shower, Uses Dandruff Shampoo! Stop the presses! This is edge-of-your-seat excitement! Anticipation is running high! “We’ll see where it goes,” has been Google translated from English to Rocketese as “Hell yeah! Dust off my old Astros uniform, Jimmy! Let’s do this!” And now the whole town is abuzz at the notion of a 50-year-old prospect toeing the rubber before season’s end.

Not everyone is happy about it.

But, then again, I’m not too happy about accidently watching Sullivan & Son.

People suggest that signing Roger Clemens is counterproductive to the “youth movement.” The Astros spent plenty of time, energy and took plenty of beatings by jettisoning pricey veterans in lieu of wet-behind-the-ears baseball greenhorns. Signing Roger Clemens will turn our team into a sideshow! A farce! A joke! It’ll negate all the hard work that has been done! Blood! Sweat! Tears! This would be a more embarrassing sign than the big fat community partners’ billboards that are ocular-blocking our once beautiful view of our bustling city!

Before I go on, let me just fess up: I agree.

But is Roger worth the trouble? Can crusty old Clemens be good for the aimless Astros?

You bet your sweet behind!

As interest in our Astros wanes, Roger Clemens could bring people out to an otherwise empty and abandoned ballpark. And that would be huge! In fact, it would be huger than the laughs I got from watching Sullivan & Son. It would be huge because when fans lose interest, they do two things: they begin rooting for other teams or they become apathetic and disinterested in baseball. People aren’t as fickle as you’d like to believe. They’re difficult people to get back, too!

“An Asian girl holding a gun. Is anyone else turned on by this?” said the creepy old common character actor from Sullivan & Son. LMAO! Hilarious!

Do you want to know what Jim Crane should be afraid of? Look no further than the 2012 Orioles and Pirates – both teams are having very good seasons standings-wise but are still struggling severely attendance-wise. They’re both in the bottom third in ‘home attendance’ and are practically begging folks to support their product.

Why is this? Simple: these cities’ are hopelessly apathetic towards their baseball teams and/or the fans there have moved onto other, more successful teams, in the same region. The teams in Baltimore and Pittsburgh have great stadiums, rich traditions and, yet, people refuse to go to baseball games because these teams have developed a culture of losing and have expedited fans disinterest by…well… not doing anything remotely interesting. Unless, of course, you consider the Orioles and Pirates’ two decade quest to find new and inventive ways to lose baseball games “remotely interesting.”

In the last 15 years, who ever really cared about the Orioles or Pirates? Nobody, baby.

The Orioles and Pirates have had too many losing seasons and have burned way too many bridges! Their fans have been disinterested for far too long. These teams looked the other way while their fans jumped off the bandwagon in droves and did nothing about it. Nothing! They didn’t put up a fight. They didn’t bat an eye! So now the Orioles and Pirates are experiencing success and experts are surprised because no one really cares. “The Orioles are in second place and are likely headed for the playoffs! The Pirates are in line for their first winning season in 20 years! My goodness! Where are all the people?” Well, Sportscenter, you can find them at home watching Sullivan & Son or they’re watching Phillies or Nationals’ games on ESPN.

…and, if the Astros are, indeed, “years away” from competing, these examples should keep Jim Crane awake at night. The businessman in Nolan Ryan (who shall remain nameless) wants to dominate the market, collect all the fans, all of the bacon, all of the eggs and all of the money! He wants every baseball fan in Texas wearing a Rangers hat. And Astros fans are in denial if they believe that he doesn’t have his sites set on crushing the Houston Astros. Nolan Ryan wants the Astros to be his Orioles and Pirates. …and, if Crane isn’t smart and doesn’t act fast, Nolan’s dream could become a reality.

Jim Crane has no choice but to do whatever it takes to keep fans interested. His only mission during this “lull in success” is keeping fans coming to the game and keeping fans talking about the Houston Astros while preparing his organization for future success. Crane has to find the perfect balance between keeping fans interested and rebuilding a poorly run baseball franchise from the ground up. This is a delicate situation! This is brain surgery!As much as I hate it, he has to turn the Astros into more of a show and draw focus away from the Bad News Houston Astros. This means he has to continue to implement popular promotions like bobbleheads, retro nights and, yes, The Roger Clemens Show.

Come to think of it, this isn’t brain surgery – this is Rocket science.

Yes, boys and girls, Roger Clemens is nothing more than glorified come-to-life bobblehead.

Roger Clemens will not be signed because he’ll keep the Astros from losing 100 games. He’ll be signed because he’ll bring 40,000 people into the stadium on nights that he pitches. Furthermore, I would be shocked if, in the event Clemens becomes an Astro, he makes a single start away from Minute Maid Park. He’s a promotion in the flesh.

Roger Clemens is desperate for the Astros to massage his bruised ego, and the Astros are desperate for Roger Clemens to protect their floundering investment. The Astros must hang on to any shred of relevancy they can – and the same goes for Roger. Dignity be damned! This is a mutually beneficial and unapologetically dysfunctional case of legend/organization codependency.

If you’re reading this blog, this should probably upset you. However, this is the cold harsh reality of the current Houston baseball climate. My suggestion: not just accept it, but embrace it and learn to love it. Because until our beleaguered ball club can pick themselves up off the mat, they’re going to need to keep themselves somewhat relevant.

Think back to January when Jim Crane said, “Everything is on the table” and hinted at a possible name change. That wasn’t a joke or some wacky marketing ploy as some people thought or would have you believe. Crane wasn’t kidding or kicking tires or trying to deceive anyone. Crane is a smart businessman and knew exactly what he was up against when he purchased the Houston Astros. Everything is on the table because, as it stands now, everything has to be on the table.

Drayton McLane and Pam Gardener knew what they were up against, too. That’s why they had absolutely no problem coddling Red Sox fans when they invaded Minute Maid Park in 2011. Of course, with the sale of the team imminent, McLane was likely squeezing as much blood from the Astros as he could without taking into account the long-term ramifications of devolving his fan-base into a bunch of wicked awesome Good Will Hunting watching, fist-bumping Chowderheads with southern drawls. But it’s the same principle.

If Crane ever goes as low as McLane, then the Astros will have way bigger issues than an elderly Roger Clemens slowly scooting his way towards the bump mumbling incoherently about “Teddy Ballgame” while his home healthcare nurse follows behind lugging a giant oxygen tank. “No, Mr. Clemens, those aren’t special commemorative baseballs, they’re tennis balls that’ll make your walker glide easier. Now finish your creamed-carrots so I can give you your medicine.”

Astronerds, we need to face some facts, and we need to accept some truth. The organization isn’t marketing to you and me. The Astros are marketing specifically to people who are jacked up about Roger Clemens possibly joining the Astros. They’re marketing to people who are downright giddy about realignment because of “all of the awesome Yankees, Red Sox and Rangers games.” They’re marketing to people who are thrilled the hitting coach and first base coach were canned despite not having the foggiest as to their names. They’re marketing to people who comment on every Astros story posted to The Houston Chronicle’s website!

The Astros are fully aware that you and I will go to Astros games regardless of how crummy they’re playing because they know we have a different understanding of how the Astros actually are and the direction they’re going. They know we’ll go anyway. They are taking us for granted - and rightfully so, they should take us for granted because we’re too invested in our Astros fandom. We might get angry or whiney, but we’re not going anywhere.

Instead of marketing to us, the Astros are marketing to people who see a bunch of nameless guys on a team careening down the path towards 100 losses that say to themselves, “I’m not going to the Astros game tonight, I’ll stay home and watch Sullivan & Son… unless, of course, the Rangers are on.”

“You’re half Korean and half white! Half of you SHOULD be angry! Wait, why am I explaining this to you? Half of you should understand!” said Kevin Arnold’s father who now inexplicably stars in Sullivan & Son. ROTFLMAO! Comedy gold!

In a way, Roger possibly suiting up for the Astros is a good thing for the long-term success of the Houston Astros. If fans are coming to the ballpark and Jim Crane is cashing some checks, he’ll be in better position to spend some more money on the team down the line. It is super important that the Astros remain relevant and continue to find creative ways to convince Houstonians to spend their money on this substandard baseball product.

This isn’t about Roger Clemens or the 2012 Houston Astros. This is about building a baseball culture. This is about reintroducing fans to the Houston Astros – even if that means bringing Roger Clemens along to move it forward. This is about making money and setting our team up for long-term success. Roger Clemens, although a small part, could play a vital role in the Houston Astros’ future. Clemens can be a crucial piece of the puzzle in reigniting some of the passion that has been sucked out of the organization over the last few years.

…and don’t be shocked if there is some heavy over-the-top flirting between the Astros and Lance Berkman. Rumor has it, there is a DH position available and having Berkman back would certainly put some butts in some empty seats.

So, yes, I hope the Astros commence with the dog and pony show. I hope they never run out of creative ideas and wacky promotions to get people to see their historically bad product. I hope they sign Roger Clemens, and I hope the Astros sell out every start he makes. And I hope like hell that some kid walks out of the stadium that night and says, “Dad, I had a lot of fun! Let’s go again tomorrow!”

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You can follow me on Twitter! …but only if you want to.

THE HOUSTON SPORTS COUNTERPLOT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TOP 10 + 15!

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 21:41:00 -0400

by Andy

For those of you who have followed my blog for over a year, you guys know that I’m a huge college football fan. I mean, if I were to rank the important things in my life (and why shouldn’t I?), I’d go:

1.) Astros
2.) College Football
3.) Family
4.) Peanut Butter Cookies
5.) More Peanut Butter Cookies

…in that order.

Seeing that the Astros are on pace to lose 375 games this year, I thought I would take an Astros breather and focus on a little college football – just for today. …maybe.

Like last year, I’ve made a top 25 list and I am also throwing in some Heisman predictions. I’ll likely piss some of you off – but I don’t care. You don’t like it? Do what I did and become an expert by getting a free blog on tumblr.

For those of you wondering how I did this, I picked the 25 teams, in order, that I thought would finish in the AP Top 25 BEFORE the bowl season. Next to their name, I predict what their record would be at that point… I’m not going to predict the bowl games (maybe sometimes in the future.) Lastly, I posted what I think will be their most intriguing (or just an intriguing) game complete with a final.

…and, yes, I have Houston ranked in the top 25 – just like I did last year.

So, without further ado

THE HOUSTON SPORTS COUNTERPLOT TOP 10 + 15!

1.) USC (13-0)
The University of Spoiled Children is back! While still having 10 scholarships withheld, USC has, top to bottom, the most talented team in the country. Highlighted by their soon-to-be first overall section quarterback, Matt Barkley and their Penn State refugee Silas Redd, the Trojans look like the team to beat for the 2012 football season. I’m expecting a few close calls, but I expect the Trojans will waltz on in to the National Title Game.

Game to watch: 11/9 Oregon at USC – I’m predicting that both of these teams will be in the top 5. I think USC’s defense is going to be too quick and too physical to be exposed by Oregon’s track-star offense. USC will be prepared for Oregon and Oregon has shown time and time again that they underperform when their opponent’s defense has adequate time to prepare. Wait, USC won’t be coming off of a bye week but instead games against Colorado at home and Arizona in Tucson? Oh, well, still. USC wins 35-24

2.) Oklahoma (12-0)
Landry Jones leads a high-powered well-oiled-machine offense that, I predict, will buzzsaw through young Big XII defenses at will. While I don’t think the Big XII will be as strong as it was in 2011, I expect teams to be a little more competitive top to bottom. Texas will be better – admittedly they have serious problems in the passing game, but will be okay provided they run the ball. I expect Baylor will rebound from the loss of RG3 – have you ever known Art Briles to be without a good quarterback? Charlie Weis will improve the game in Lawrence. K-State will flirt with the top 25. The Pokes might be there and so will TCU …the only teams that I think will be bad are Texas Tech and Iowa State. Breaking down the Big 12: 1 great team, 1 really good team, a bunch of good teams, 1 okay team (Kansas) and 2 bad teams.

But we’re talking about OU, right? History tells us that they’ll run through their conference undefeated, look like complete studs and then lay down in their bowl game. Not so fast, my friend!

Game to watch: 11/17 Oklahoma at West Virginia – here’s another match-up that I believe will pit two top 5 teams in a late-season do-or-die with National Championship aspirations on the line. Overall, I think West Virginia’s offense will be able to go dollar for dollar with the Sooners, but ultimately, I think defense is going to win this one. Oklahoma wins 38-35

3.) Michigan (12-1)
Denard Robinson is going to put up some video game type numbers in 2012 and come in a VERY CLOSE 2^nd in Heisman voting. Brady Hoke’s defense is strong enough to run the table. I bet they’re going to start off quickly, too, as I’m picking them to win against Alabama in The Big House. Yes, you heard that, “a win against Alabama.” Unfortunately for the Wolverines, they’ll trip up in a game that they’re supposed to win… maybe Notre Dame on 9/22. Even though I’m pegging them for one loss, there’ll be a lot of talk that they should get a crack at USC because they played in a conference championship game, but ultimately the computers get it right and select the Sooners.

Game to watch: 9/1 Alabama at Michigan – Nick Saban has had all off-season to prepare for Denard Robinson, but as Mike Tyson would say “everyone has a plan until they’re punched in the mouth.” Although I think Bama’s LBs and DEs will have enough speed to contain Robinson for MOST of the game, I believe Robinson will break one (or two) and Bama’s offense will look sluggish and incompetent and be unable to retaliate. Michigan wins 13-10

4.) Alabama (11-2)
It seems like every year Alabama graduates (err… sends guys to the pros) and we all sit around and wonder how on Earth they’ll replace the people they lost. After losing Trent Richardson, Mark Barron, Dre Kirkpatrick and Dont’a Hightower to the FIRST ROUND of the NFL Draft, the Crimson Tide has simply reloaded with a fresh set of NFL first rounders. I’m not a huge fan of AJ McCarron, but I think the run game with Eddie Lacy and the best offensive line in the country will take a lot of pressure off of him. As always, the SEC schedule is a killer – with games in Fayetteville, Knoxville and Baton Rouge, not to mention opening with a top 10 Michigan team, I’m expecting the Tide to lose two games but still jump plenty of 1 loss teams as the repeat SEC champion.

Game to watch: I’m not going to pick the Michigan game because I already did, so I’m picking the 11/9 game at LSU. This could be a replay of the National Title game and I’m not 100% convinced anyone will score. These teams are loaded up on defense, both teams are going to try (and fail) to establish run games and we could realistically see another game where both teams fail to score double digits. EPSN won’t be happy, but it’ll be a great game! Alabama wins 9-3.

5.) Florida State (12-1)
Jimbo Fisher has this defense jacked up and I’m pumped to see how they perform. I see FSU cruising through their schedule. They have a few tough games, namely Clemson and Florida at home and VaTech in Blacksburg. EJ Manuel is going to put up big numbers and Devonta Freeman will be a very nice back for the Seminoles, but, as is with most of my top ten, Florida State’s defense will be their strength.

Game to watch: 11/8 Florida State at Virginia Tech – This might be the best Thursday night game of the season. Two top 10 teams battling it out in one of the toughest stadiums to play in, it doesn’t get much better than this… except it’s the ACC. This has the potential to be another low scoring game, but I’m picking a blowout. I think Florida State is going to man-handle the Hokies at every aspect of the game. I could be wrong! Florida State wins 34-13

6.) Arkansas (11-2)
I love Arkansas. And, this year, I’m picking them to be the second best team in the SEC – which is a huge honor! Again, I think the SEC is going to be the toughest conference in football and, unfortunately for them, I think the best teams in the conference will have two or three losses. I think Alabama loses twice and I think Arkansas loses twice. If Bama or Arkansas played in any other conference, they’d be playing in the National Title game. Tyler Wilson and Knile Davis will lead the best offense in the SEC and the Razorback defense will be adequate enough to keep teams from outscoring them.

Game to watch: 9/15 Alabama at Arkansas – Alabama will come into Fayetteville, still seething from a week one loss to Michigan and looking to take some stress out on the Razorbacks. However, Arkansas, coming off of two cupcakes, has been preparing for this game all off-season and will be ready for whatever the Crimson Tide throws at them. Folks are going to wonder how I have a two loss Alabama team in the top 5… it’s because I have them starting out 1-2, running the table, climbing back up the rankings and then winning the conference title game. Arkansas wins 17-13

7.) Louisiana State (10-2)
When I started with my top 25, I had LSU at 14. Crazy, huh? Then I looked at their schedule and moved them to 16. Then I moved them to 11. Then 9. Then I couldn’t stomach having them ranked lower than Wisconsin or West Virginia, so I moved them up to 7. This is such a loaded football team. I hope no one thinks I have an SEC bias – because I don’t. Teams in the SEC are just so much better than teams in other conferences. Zach Mettenberger should be a huge upgrade over Jordan Jefferson and Jarrett Lee. And, I don’t think their defense will miss Tyrann Mathieu as much as others would lead you to believe. They’re defense is just so physical and so quick - this is going to be fun to watch. I’m certain that they’re going to battle Alabama and Florida State for having the best defense in the country. However, I have serious concerns, even with the QB upgrade, that they’ll put enough points on the board to stave off any less than 2 losses.

Game to watch: 11/23 LSU at Arkansas – this is going to be a great game! In my opinion, both teams are going to come into the final game of the regular season with one loss and a chance to represent the SEC-West in the SEC Championship Game against Alabama. I would assume that both teams are close to, if not already in, the top 5. LSU is going to contain the Arkansas offense, but not enough to win. Arkansas wins 17-10.

8.) West Virginia (10-2)
West Virginia fits in perfectly in the Big XII. Geographically? - not so much. But, their football team does. With stints in Lubbock and Stillwater, Dana Holgorsen has been around the block in the Big XII, so he’s not walking into the Big XII unprepared. He’s going to throw the ball – a lot. Geno Smith has a big arm and enough mobility to take some pressure off of his offensive line and provide his receivers enough time to get open. I have a feeling Smith is going to put up monster numbers but probably won’t get the same hype as Barkley or Jones because Geno Smith is now a “system quarterback.”

Game to watch: 10/6 West Virginia at Texas – This is the day West Virginia is welcomed into the Big XII. Sure, the Mountaineers have a game the previous week against Baylor, but that’s at home – this game is in Austin and there will be close to 100,000 people wearing burnt orange. Remember what I said about Holgorsen being prepared for the Big XII? Okay, maybe not so much because Texas is going to spell trouble for the Mountaineers. The Longhorns are going to have a very strong defense and a very good running game. Texas is going to control the ball and if they don’t turn the ball over, they’re going to win this football game. As a matter of fact, I’m calling it right now. Texas wins 24-23

9.) Wisconsin (11-2)
Is there a more boring team than Wisconsin? They win 10 games every year by doing the same thing over and over again. They control the line of scrimmage, they run the ball and they play good defense. …and nothing has changed. Montee Ball is going to get a lot of publicity, but the offensive and defensive lines will be what puts Wisconsin in the top 10.

Game to watch: 12/1 Wisconsin at Michigan – wait, this match-up is not on the schedule. True – for now! I threw a curveball because I think these two teams will reprensent (sigh) the Legends and Leaders divisions (I really hate those names) in the Big 10 Championship Game in Indianapolis. It’s going to be billed as Robinson vs Ball, but this games going to come down to whether or not Wisconsin will be able to handle the world-class speed of Robinson. I don’t think they’re up for it. Michigan wins 24-13.

10.) Tennessee (9-3)
For the second straight season, Tennessee is my pick to break through in 2012. Tyler Bray, though immature, has serious talent and can lead this team to surprising victories against Florida and Georgia. Plus, it helps that they’ll miss LSU.

Look, I get it. It’s unpopular to predict Tennessee to finish the year in the top 10, much less, the top 25. But, I like Derek Dooley and I like Tyler Bray. I think Bray can be a first round pick in the NFL draft - I think he chooses to stay in school, but he’s a legitimate NFL caliber QB.

Game to watch: 9/29 Tennessee at Georgia – Tennessee looks to avenge the 20-12 loss at Neyland Stadium in 2011. Tyler Bray carves up the Bulldogs and the Volunteers keep themselves from making the same mistakes that made them losers the year before. Tennessee wins, 23-20

Bonus: Rounding out the TOP 25

11.) Oregon (9-3)

12.) Michigan State (10-2)

13.) BYU (10-2)

14.) Boise State (11-1)

15.) Ohio State (9-3)

16.) Louisville (10-2)

17.) Virginia Tech (9-3)

18.) Florida (8-4)

19.) Houston (11-2)

20.) Iowa (9-3)

21.) Baylor (8-4)

22.) Southern Methodist (10-2)

23.) Stanford (8-4)

24.) Cincinnati (9-3)

25.) Texas (7-5)

Heisman Candidates (Invited to the show)
Matt Barkley * winner
Knile Davis
Landry Jones
Denard Robinson
De’Anthony Thomas

(Not invited)
Montee Ball
Tyler Bray
Charles Sims
Geno Smith
Tyler Smith
Robert Woods

So, did I make any mistakes? Leave a comment and tell me how ridiculous I am!