Three Reasons Why I am Accepting Realignment to the American League

by Stephen

Promote the new idea of Astros-elitismTM
Think about it guys….aren’t we all tired of being “picked on” as Astros fans? What better way to shiny up the old Chevy than with a fresh new coat of AL-DH paint? We can be the Aggies of the MLB. I mean, truth be told, the AL is like the SEC of baseball, right? Talk to any East or West coast AL-only snob and you get some form of, “Oh how nice….you guys still let the pitcher hit? Bet you enjoy reading your newspaper every morning and finding this restaurant with a little help from your key maps… let me guess? You prefer your sitcoms the classy way… where the Mom and Dad sleep in two different bedrooms, right?” (It’s going to be so awesome to drop some AL-only, holier than thou, SEC-type vernacular on Cards and Cubs fan now!)

I mean…..the AL is the league of Hollywood guys. Do you see any awesome flicks based on the Brewers or the Braves? NO! Yet the vaunted Red Sox got a Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore rom-com and the Moneyball A’s got an Oscar contending Brad Pitt/Phillip Seymour Hoffman drama (Wait a minute… maybe being a mediocre AL West team IS actually “where it’s at”). I’m just saying guys, welcome to the era where hitting the town in your Astros gear means being treated to superior AL-only dinner parties, Hollywood mixers, and “Designated Hitter” swinger invites.

The NL gets Mr. 3000.

Late Games
Hold on Stephen… I thought you and other Astros fans have been complaining about the late West Coast start times for months now? 

True, but let’s just say this Astros fan is starting to rethink things a bit… see, I’m in the same boat maybe many of you are in right now - the S.S. Parenthood. This of course means fewer trips to live sporting events, less pressure from parents to procreate, and less ability to sit down quietly at 7:05 and enjoy the sweet intricacies of America’s pastime. I can’t lie….I’m starting to think it sounds pretty sweet to be able to sit down at 9:05 for my usual first minutes of living room silence (usually with a jar of peanut butter and some form of chocolate) and flipping on CSNHouston (yep - I’ll be one of the 3 people watching live games this year!) and finding out Lucas Harrell hasn’t even fired his first pitch on the way to another shutout! Sure, my kids will be missing out on a few years of AstrodoctrinationTM, BUT how cool of a Dad will I be in a few short years when I let them stay up with Dad on a school night (for a small peanut butter tax) as long as the Astros keep it within 10 runs (come on you NL’ers…..with the DH you’re never out of it. SUPERIOR GAME! Get with the times!)?????

Separate the REAL Fans
Oh you thought it used to be easy to identify the wayward souls during a Cubs or Cardinals series? PLEASE….I’ve been to MMP for Red Sox, Rangers, AND Yankees……just wait till you see the AL “die-hards” infiltrate the juice box. My personal favorite is “Guy who wears one team’s jersey but the other team’s hat”. You know what I mean, he’s got his brand new orange-billed Astros hat perfectly accentuated by a Derek Jeter pinstriped #2 (I’d like to personally take a “#2” on his wardrobe). Get on board now or get off, because we won’t be letting anyone who owns Red Sox, Yankees, or Rangers gear into the mob in 2025 after we beat Milwaukee in the WS and angrily head to Mordor to desecrate the grave of Bud Selig.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some NL friends to demean and laugh condescendingly at…


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Posted at 10:03am


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