I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
– Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Let’s Hang Them
Let’s hang Dan Le Batard.
And while we’re at it, let’s hang Jose de Jesus Ortiz, too.
…let’s build some gallows, rip them from their homes, take them out into the street and hang them.
Their crimes are a little different (or rather a lot different), but it doesn’t matter too much because both of them are guilty of making a mockery out of the Baseball Hall of Fame voting process. But Le Batard’s act was a bit more malicious… so let’s beat him with sticks and belts before we hang him.
The voting process is a sacred process. It is a secretive process conducted by members of a very prestigious group of baseball writers who are smarter than most, if not all, baseball fans. They sit in ivory press boxes atop stadiums and judge players’ talent, body type and body armor. …just like our founding fathers wanted.
It was reported earlier this week that Dan Le Batard “sold his vote” to Deadspin.
Well… not really “sold” per se, he allowed Deadspin readers to pick and choose who would get his vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame. Technically, it was his still vote; as he is required sign the bottom of the ballot before turning it in… but let’s not let this get in the way of the beating and hanging. Even though he signed it, we know who really voted!
Deadspin conducted a vote, Le Batard submitted his ballot and then the Baseball Hall of Fame became instantaneously irrelevant.
After a day of heavy sleuthing, an outraged Keith Olbermann, pointed out that Jose de Jesus Ortiz threw a Hall of Fame dinner that consisted of discussing Hall of Fame candidates with readers and friends, mock ballots, cocaine (probably not), hookers (probably not), Mexican food and, I can’t believe I’m about to type this, tequila.
Jose de Jesus Ortiz is a dirty son of a bitch who, like Le Batard, ruined the Hall of Fame. And a hypocrite! What kind of person analyzes their Hall of Fame ballot and debates merit of the candidates with normal folks over – gasp – Mexican food and tequila?
Let’s beat them both.
We really need to make them pay for what they’ve done to the Baseball Hall of Fame – hanging just seems a little too humane for these animals.
Ortiz stood idly by for 18 hours while the Baseball Writers Association of America ripped Le Batard to shreds. Of course, Ortiz committed his crime over a plate of cheese enchiladas and Le Batard committed his on a website… but that doesn’t make a difference! Ortiz is a hypocrite for calling out Le Batard for “ruining the Hall of Fame” (*quote not attributed to Jose de Jesus Ortiz) when Ortiz HIMSELF has been ruining the Hall of Fame since 2007 with these wild enchilada dinners. Good find, Keith Olbermann! …well, Ortiz never officially called out Le Batard over his vote, but you get the picture because he’s a hypocrite and a jerk!
We need to kick the public aspect out of the Hall of Fame. Richard Justice hasn’t one time – not a single time – ever asked anyone for any advice concerning a decision he had to make. He’s a good soldier! Sure, he asked a real estate agent a few questions about the neighborhood before purchasing a house… but that’s not as important as picking names off a Hall of Fame ballot. That doesn’t make Justice a hypocrite for calling out Jose de Jesus Ortiz for consulting with people over his ballot… if you use that logic, we’re probably all hypocrites and, let’s face it, that’s just silly! You simply cannot have voters being informed or considering other viewpoints before making selections – that’s not what the Hall of Fame is about.
Le Batard gave up his vote and Ortiz consulted with people over dinner… SAME EXACT THING IN MY BOOK! STRING THEM BOTH UP!
The voting process needs to be secretive. The voting process needs to be exclusive to the smartest folks in the room. The voting process needs to limit ballots on how many players a voter can select. The voting process needs to have a lot more steroid accusations and a lot less public interaction. And free of hypocrites like Ortiz who crowd source… er, rather, dare to ask people for their opinions! There is a fine line and no grey area – Ortiz crossed the line too.
Le Batard and Ortiz are wasting our time. We should be reading articles about Frank Thomas possibly using steroids in the 90s. …or articles about Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine sneaking lubricants onto the bills of their hats. …or articles about Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine using steroids in the 90s! Or just steroids in the 90s, my God! There’s a lot of important stuff going on in baseball right now! It is a shame we’re not talking about it.
That’s why we need to hang Dan Le Batard and Jose de Jesus Ortiz.
They committed the greatest offense of them all. They got the public involved in America’s Pastime™.